Quarter Life Crisis

When did I come to this state of losing answers? At the beginning of this course of psychology in 2005, I had all the answers. I knew the state that which I was in, what I wished to attain, what I wished to gain from all this. I had my career path mapped out. Knowing who I wanted to be, who I was and what I was going to become.

Throughout the years in this program however, I've grown tired, demotivated, and worst of all, reached a state where all the answers I knew I was going to achieve, to attain, are all gone. Now its seems to me that nothing is for certain. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I don't know to what end all this is achieving. Where did all my surety in life went to? Its as if some vortex of doom sucked all of this away, leaving me utterly confused in the state I am in.

Why does it seem that my wisdom, my direction, my paths, all have left me? I no longer know these things. My guiding strength has left me. Is this the state of helplessness that God longs for in a person? That I would cast away all hope, all confidence, all surety in these things? I hate this "weakness" that dawns upon me everyday. Its as if its there to curse me and tell me that everything I do is vanity, its hopeless and its fading.

God!!!! Why is it that I have to see the world this way?! Why am I given such foresight? Such knowledge to understand the destitute and hopeless state we're in? And how much longer must I cry out to plead this state of destitution away? Is it part of a nightmare that I am in; that I must endure such treatment.

Where are You? Dear God......I really need You........

Reflections about 2009

One has to wonder at the start of the new year, what great things shall be achieved, what great dreams still lay dormant within the mystery of the future. There's a time though that one has to look back and realize what one has learnt and 2009 has been a year of many lessons and deep memories.

The lessons in time that this year has taught me were those of great pain due to the fact that I lost my grandmother this year. Indeed, it is never when a person is alive when they're truly cherished. Many artists like Monet and Picasso can attest to such a life and it was during her death that the beauty of my grandma shone the brightest as memories of her kindness and wisdom were once again remembered.

It was difficult to remember those days. Those days where she would cook for Chinese new year. That she would specially prepare herbal chickens for us who were weak in our bodies, her final advice she gave to me when I went to KL. My heart tears with grieve as I vaguely remember those times. God forgive me as those memories were so deeply important but not remembered.

2009 cast a deadly warning over my life; warning me to cherish the opportune moments that remain with my remaining grandfather. The tears of sorrow which graced the faces of my relatives still cast a shadow upon me until today and I wonder at times if I could have done more to lessen my grandmother's pain of chronic renal failure, diabetes, hypertension and myriads of other diseases I can't remember. I can only ask that God would show mercy upon her and that in her death that these sufferings which plague a human body would be forever lifted and that she would truly have found peace in a much better place.

2009 also reminded me of my own mortality and how fleeting and sudden death could come. With the protection of God and His mercy, our lives were spared on a night while sending a friend of mine to the airport. The reality of my mortality struck me that day. Sometimes I lay afraid, frightened by the fact that if I died now, would I truly be with God? Am I assured of your salvation, Dear God?

2009 is a great reminder of the importance of relationships and to cherish the time I have left. I wish these things would provide me a daily reminder to number my days and cherish the remaining time that's left.

Seasons of Grandma

Spring was unknown to me,

But heaven choose to brighten your life with glee,

Until it overflowed into many hearts to me,

And formed your family to be.

Summer was of toil and sweat,

Hard work that formed your nuggets of wisdom,

Which you shared without regret,

To all who saw you at random.

Fall was a time of falling leaves,

Where your wisdom fell like that of maple leaves,

Littered all over your glorious tree,

Was those who admired thee.

Winter was cold and dreadful indeed,

A time where the leaves waned and flee,

But all shall remember your wonderful deed,

In which you touched our family with glee.

Storms admist this season.

Ever get the feeling that you're helpless in a situation which demands your every attention but you can't really do anything about it?

Recently, a position to be the assistant director of my father's company was forced upon me. Some of you are probably going WOW and would jump at the opportunity. Unfortunately, its not as glamorous as it seems. I for one think that this position would demand a lot from me and thus not allow me to perform my duties as a assistant cell leader and student effectively.

I also desire to learn the true motivation behind my father's intentions on putting me in this position. I would certainly value the challenge if my father had phrased it in such a manner that he thought I was indeed mature enough to handle and decide the direction of his company however that wasn't the case. I was shouted upon and said that I was stupid, naive and idiotic to not see what my step mother (who by the way has been wayyyyyyyyy more accountable than my father in supplying my monthly allowance) was plotting against him and trying to sabotage my education fees if I failed to claim my position in this company.

Personally, I think this is a gambit for power that my dad is trying to pull. Using my position in the company to pull a 2-1 score against my step mother who also co-owns part of his company. It is a pathetic ploy which a child could see through in a mere second. Wisdom dictates that I should just stay out of this but when your family is involved how can you dodge a bullet like this. More importantly, I've had curses pronounced over me by my own father. Sometimes you really do wonder what kind of a father you have when he says such things.

I wonder is this a sign from God that I should start praying for him or that I should just leave him to the tormentors. Needless to say, I've very little respect for my father and his ways. Sometimes I even doubt the surety behind his profession of Christ as he has very little love for both his ex and current wife. I sometimes ask God what did I ever do to merit such a father. Its truly at times like this that one desires to ask the question:" What would Jesus do?"

Thoughts, comments and opinions are always welcome

New season, old friends

I guess this is almost the ending chapter of my university life. Hence the new season.

In 2 semesters, I'll be graduating already. Its good to know. I haven't blogged for the longest time and I myself wonder why haha. Part of me thinks its because blogs are rather narcissistic. Kinda thought I needed sometime to focus on others.

I've been met up with some friends to talk about working life and it seems to be really exciting unless you're doing a donkey job like telemarketing or survey interviewing. In general, working seems to inspire a sense of deeper independence in me. The thought of earning your own money is kinda invigorating.

I've met up with an old friend today. Turns out things have been kinda tough for her. She shared about some experiences with friends (specifically christians) who were hypocritical in the way they lived their lives. They imposed certain judgments upon her but when it came to their own lives there wasn't any condemnation just because they were christians.

Visibly, this seems rather unfair but the lesson I observed most from this is that this generation of christians need to take a stand for Christ. Our lifestyles are sometimes a mockery to pure Christian living. (I would like to use Romans 12 as a benchmark.) In Romans 12, it says to present your "bodies" as a living sacrifice to God. This doesn't mean conforming your "heart" to Jesus Christ just by professing it. Looking at the Greek text of Strong's Lexicon, (sorry for being technical or bible scholarly but I need to illustrate this point), the root word of "soma" or "bodies" is "sozo" which if outlined in biblical usage is to "to save from the evils which obstruct the reception of the Messianic deliverance". (View source http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G4982&t=KJV). To take this literally from a biblical perspective, are you saving yourself from all these evils that obstruct Jesus's deliverance over your life?

In Christianity, many talk about being in the permissive or perfect will of God. Being in the permissive will of God is tantamount to stretching the grace of God which will ultimately result in judgment. As Malachi 3:2 says "He will come as a refiner's fire". Think you can stand the wrath of God when it appears? I hate to think its just as mild as a lightning bolt from heaven. Just thoughts....

Disappointments

Curses man!....After all that hard work and a single memory lapse and everything goes to heck.

I am referring to my Youth Work and Services exam. Damn it. Sometimes it strikes me the hardest that I am unable to just do things right! This sorta makes me wanna turn back time and go in there and fix that exam paper all over again.

I can't believe this......Sighs...... I hope the next exam isn't this pathetic... ETR (Estimated time remaining) until exam 1 hour 35 mins.....

Good day's worth of work?

Well......I am gonna show you guys a side I don't really show alot.....Emotion.....

I feel kinda proud of myself today cuz I summarized chapters worth of information into less than 7 pages! HAHA! Kinda cool rite? Haiz syok sendiri......

T_T I still have 4 chapters to do.......and I am so bloody tired.......FUhhhh...... Geez....Leona Lewis is driving me depressed.....grrr.......

ARGGGHHHH FINALS in 1 day......Less than 24 hours away now......sighs..... Cursed Career Guidance and Counseling skills........MAN!!! What the heck.....!!!