It feels like a greek myth over here.

In Greek Mythos, its always such that a person has to endure much suffering, pain and trials before reaching a specific goal or destination in life.

I believe in the concept of being perfected through suffering but the things I've had to endure for these past few days could easily pass for those of Hercules or any other greek myth that you've heard.

I get the feeling that God enjoys playing games with my life. He likes to see how I squirm and writhe in pain. I find little purpose in the trials I have to go through. They make me less strong, more vulnerable, and less in control. What kind of purpose could that serve?

The grief of facing a loved one in a psych hospital is really making me insane. I sometimes doubt my own sanity and find it hard to reconcile the fact that a benevolent and loving God could allow all these things to happen. What sort of madness is this? What allegiances have I not paid? Is it because of a lack of my loyalty, my service to His name, or is it a question of the piling of sins?

I wish I didn't need to endure this. I wish the weight of this cup of life would just pass from me. Why the darkness? Why involve those I love? Take my life as payment.....I don't care....my grief is beyond reproach.

Anger, frustration and bitterness fills my heart. What a betrayal....No assurances lie in the deep dark corners of this mortal life....No promises come to guard my heart and I stand alone in this darkness. If there be light, I see none of it. How great is Your love now, dear God? The weeping, the tears have once again draped the ground that you've claimed to defend. You're no tower to the weak, no refuge from the storm, no buckler in my time of need.

Instead, You lay hidden. Hiding Your face from me. Allowing me to torment, to rot, to writhe in deep darkness.

Such promises I need not dear God. A reality of You I wish to see. My allegiance falters.

Trying everything or denying everything

Sometimes I feel a sense of remorse that I haven't tried much in life, haven't experienced it all, or haven't journeyed or risked pretty much anything. It sucks that I haven't experienced much in life. This really begs the question what have I done with it?

With 23 years of my life, I think I've experienced only a fraction of the things I should have and it makes me wonder, was I too cautious with my approach to life? Did I fear things that should have been experienced and savored? Paradoxically, I feel that my approach of caution has saved me many of the heart aches, the depressions and the sorrow that accompany brash and impulsive decisions. Due to religion and a background with Christianity, I find that I am still innocent to the ways of darkness but am slowly drawn towards its tantalizing snare. I cannot deny the part of me that is drawn to evil and its ways, its mysteries, its deep dark secrets. I know that the word of God asks us to be "Innocent to the ways of evil." (Romans 16:19) but yet I see those around me who aren't and yet tip-toeing between the lines of light and darkness. I am tempted by that lifestyle.

Options that I've chosen to take have ensured me that I've lived a life of purity till this moment. I find the struggles of maintaining that lifestyle ever more pressing, more demanding and more carnal. I don't understand why is it that I feel compelled to find a partner. Whether its my body telling me its time, or do I continue to wait for the timing of God? The choices are obvious but that doesn't make the decision any simpler.

I wonder what thoughts of purity should past through my mind in these dark moments. Sometimes the deep chill of loneliness and lack of love can lead a person to be so self-centered. I hope that this life of purity can gain its sustenance in God and that I continue to find strength to journey in it.

I will not deny that I've succumbed to passions of the flesh but thank God that through His grace its never with a physical person. The shame I bear in this area continues to be the cross I carry day to day. I wonder everyday why the Lord hasn't released me from this curse. I only hope that my future generations would never have to bear the weight of this curse and that it would end with my father's generation and mine.

My statement to fate

You cruel persona. How could you do such a thing? How could you lambaste innocents with your hand? What measure of evil have you wrought forth and cast this destitution of love upon God's institution

It is your cruel hand, your hand oh fate that you deny us the comfort, the genuine nature of love. Cast your rage upon me and not upon the innocents. It is not your choice to make. You have no right for the others around me to suffer. Let me be your enemy and not them. Let me drink your cup of malice, the bitter nature of your essence, which you cast forth upon them but let not the innocent bear your cup. For I am your enemy and I am their shield.

No nature of your darkness shall permeate their lives. I am your enemy. I stand against you. My body maybe broken but my soul will fight you. You shan't taint them. My wrath will undo your wickedness, my hope will raise your cover of darkness and I will not let your cruelty befall them.

Jackass moment.

Ever get the feeling you've just become a complete jackass and ignored the other person's feelings? Yeah that happened to yours truly today. Sometimes I surprise myself how insensitive I can truly be. Its one of those days.

(Note to self, stop talking when swimming) > This happened in a pool

Whoever wrote the theory on heuristics should be given an award because this clearly helped perpetuate the stereotype I cast on this particular person. Person in question (hence forth PIQ) was clearly a smart Alec scholar and gets A's in HELP like it takes the effort of drinking a glass of water. (that's what I think at least, I didn't really factor the difficulty the person goes through.) I made a very insensitive remark about how its easy for PIQ to get A's and how certain lecturers might have extremely high expectations on PIQ. PIQ was visibly pissed and thank god I didn't follow on that train of destruction and continue to talk about it.

Gotta thank Paul Ekman for saving my ass though. Through SETT(Subtle Emotion Training Tool), I managed to spot that PIQ was pissed at my comments about how certain lecturers expect the PIQ to do well. My saving grace was that I offered to help in PIQ's thesis. That demonstrated a lil bit of empathy on my part but still I kinda feel that I should have really guard my tongue.

Just wanna say sorry again if you (PIQ) ever read this.

Try defying gravity

I am so addicted to this song......I have no idea why hahahaha.

Moral compasses in life.

This is a tribute to those everyday normal people that I meet that have made a contribution into being a moral compass in my life.

Firstly let me thank ST (her initials):
She's one of those friends that really listen to me at times and is just really understanding. But first let me outline the scenario. I once jokingly said online that I wanted to just leave everything in M'sia behind and just go somewhere and travel, maybe father a few kids I don't know about. ST responded to my statement by saying :" Jon, if you ever do that, I'll never forgive you. You're one of the few guys who make me believe that there's still good guys around." Well, those are the kind of words you wish you heard more from church leadership. Knocks that crooked compass right back to north. Thanks for being a real pal,ST.

The uncle at the shop(shopkeeper):
This is one of the God is watching you scenarios and it happened today. I must admit I was feeling a lil down and decided to try an alcoholic beverage. I don't generally drink a lot but I felt I needed a "Subice" today. (Its one of those mixed with lemon juice and all. Pretty good if u don't wanna get wasted.) So there I was going up to the counter to pay and guess what the shopkeeper said to me. "I didn't know you drank drinks like this." That itself showed me that I was being watched. That individuals were just watching me and observing if I ever deviate from the path of righteousness.

Somehow, I felt God's hand in all these things. I just can't explain it but when God starts sending people in your face and pointing out certain things that you're doing, its just like a tight slap but like the God that He is, He'll never impose His will on you. You have to accept it willingly. Just some food for thought.

A heavy load off your shoulders?

It beckons forth the period where one is supposed to find solace. Where peace reigns and indeed that sickening feeling of a heavy load of assignments and strings of evaluations from lecturers are supposed to end.

Is this peace available for me? I truly wonder. For now I am filled with fear and even sorrow that I've not done enough for my own assignments. A feeling of insufficiency grips me and tears within me saying you've not done enough. Aye....the dread of such feelings are insurmountable indeed. No one truly shares this dread but I alone. My heart feels the tingling sensation of the white cold winds of the north as they slowly pierce deep within, centimeter by centimeter.

This dreadful feeling is deeply unpleasant and painful. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions are playing tricks with me and shaping this deep seated issues against me.