Moral compasses in life.

This is a tribute to those everyday normal people that I meet that have made a contribution into being a moral compass in my life.

Firstly let me thank ST (her initials):
She's one of those friends that really listen to me at times and is just really understanding. But first let me outline the scenario. I once jokingly said online that I wanted to just leave everything in M'sia behind and just go somewhere and travel, maybe father a few kids I don't know about. ST responded to my statement by saying :" Jon, if you ever do that, I'll never forgive you. You're one of the few guys who make me believe that there's still good guys around." Well, those are the kind of words you wish you heard more from church leadership. Knocks that crooked compass right back to north. Thanks for being a real pal,ST.

The uncle at the shop(shopkeeper):
This is one of the God is watching you scenarios and it happened today. I must admit I was feeling a lil down and decided to try an alcoholic beverage. I don't generally drink a lot but I felt I needed a "Subice" today. (Its one of those mixed with lemon juice and all. Pretty good if u don't wanna get wasted.) So there I was going up to the counter to pay and guess what the shopkeeper said to me. "I didn't know you drank drinks like this." That itself showed me that I was being watched. That individuals were just watching me and observing if I ever deviate from the path of righteousness.

Somehow, I felt God's hand in all these things. I just can't explain it but when God starts sending people in your face and pointing out certain things that you're doing, its just like a tight slap but like the God that He is, He'll never impose His will on you. You have to accept it willingly. Just some food for thought.

A heavy load off your shoulders?

It beckons forth the period where one is supposed to find solace. Where peace reigns and indeed that sickening feeling of a heavy load of assignments and strings of evaluations from lecturers are supposed to end.

Is this peace available for me? I truly wonder. For now I am filled with fear and even sorrow that I've not done enough for my own assignments. A feeling of insufficiency grips me and tears within me saying you've not done enough. Aye....the dread of such feelings are insurmountable indeed. No one truly shares this dread but I alone. My heart feels the tingling sensation of the white cold winds of the north as they slowly pierce deep within, centimeter by centimeter.

This dreadful feeling is deeply unpleasant and painful. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions are playing tricks with me and shaping this deep seated issues against me.

An Unwritten Letter

Your eyes have captured me and filled them with glee. Oh for a thousand tongues to sing the bliss bore within my heart is one that cannot to spoken of. That mild chocolate colored skin of yours which graces that ravishing figure would stop a man's heart dead in its tracks. How brown hair shines with a bright reflection makes me wonder what magic dwells within it.

Oh dear one, how I am fully captured by you, mesmerized by that sweet tone of voice, struck by your every gesture. How these hands long to bring you the comfort you desire. That they would indeed speak of my genuine heart, my longing to bring you happiness. Nay, it is not lust that I feel. No perverse nature of desire and passion but just a deep desire to understand, to know you as a person.

Oh dear one, shall I then again let this opportunity slip by? Let the emotions again fade once more that the illusions that they are? I am perplexed by these plethora of thoughts. Thoughts that whispers "she is the one","it is but your silly emotions", "you're weak because you've exposed yourself". They ensnare me, each pulling me towards their direction, convincing me that it is their way that is correct. What a relief it would be if I could share with you these thoughts.

Oh dear one, your requests for anything used to be my command. God as my witness, if I could, the stars would write your name and the moon would shine night and day only for you. Yet the anguish I feel when brought to awareness that you feel not the same, that I am merely a means to an end. It fills me and I wonder what have I done to merit your disapproval. That I stand not in line with those that you call "boyfriends" or "men". Many call on me and say to abandon this sinking ship, the pointless endeavor and yet I wonder to myself "Does not Love suffer long, is it not kind and envieth not? and that Love never fails?" Oh what spell of folly has been driven upon me that even when I am being so conveniently used that I see not. How I desire some word of wisdom that would sweep away this folly.

Light from Darkness

So far it seems that light has ever shone,

Its hard to remember a time that's now gone,

The shades of heaven have gone so dim,

So hard to see that bright sunny halo rim.

And there it was as if shooting through the clouds,

A ray that pierced through those cold and glumly clouds,

That brief glimmer was enough to light the darkness,

Rekindling all hope that was lost in sadness.

Quarter Life Crisis

When did I come to this state of losing answers? At the beginning of this course of psychology in 2005, I had all the answers. I knew the state that which I was in, what I wished to attain, what I wished to gain from all this. I had my career path mapped out. Knowing who I wanted to be, who I was and what I was going to become.

Throughout the years in this program however, I've grown tired, demotivated, and worst of all, reached a state where all the answers I knew I was going to achieve, to attain, are all gone. Now its seems to me that nothing is for certain. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I don't know to what end all this is achieving. Where did all my surety in life went to? Its as if some vortex of doom sucked all of this away, leaving me utterly confused in the state I am in.

Why does it seem that my wisdom, my direction, my paths, all have left me? I no longer know these things. My guiding strength has left me. Is this the state of helplessness that God longs for in a person? That I would cast away all hope, all confidence, all surety in these things? I hate this "weakness" that dawns upon me everyday. Its as if its there to curse me and tell me that everything I do is vanity, its hopeless and its fading.

God!!!! Why is it that I have to see the world this way?! Why am I given such foresight? Such knowledge to understand the destitute and hopeless state we're in? And how much longer must I cry out to plead this state of destitution away? Is it part of a nightmare that I am in; that I must endure such treatment.

Where are You? Dear God......I really need You........

Reflections about 2009

One has to wonder at the start of the new year, what great things shall be achieved, what great dreams still lay dormant within the mystery of the future. There's a time though that one has to look back and realize what one has learnt and 2009 has been a year of many lessons and deep memories.

The lessons in time that this year has taught me were those of great pain due to the fact that I lost my grandmother this year. Indeed, it is never when a person is alive when they're truly cherished. Many artists like Monet and Picasso can attest to such a life and it was during her death that the beauty of my grandma shone the brightest as memories of her kindness and wisdom were once again remembered.

It was difficult to remember those days. Those days where she would cook for Chinese new year. That she would specially prepare herbal chickens for us who were weak in our bodies, her final advice she gave to me when I went to KL. My heart tears with grieve as I vaguely remember those times. God forgive me as those memories were so deeply important but not remembered.

2009 cast a deadly warning over my life; warning me to cherish the opportune moments that remain with my remaining grandfather. The tears of sorrow which graced the faces of my relatives still cast a shadow upon me until today and I wonder at times if I could have done more to lessen my grandmother's pain of chronic renal failure, diabetes, hypertension and myriads of other diseases I can't remember. I can only ask that God would show mercy upon her and that in her death that these sufferings which plague a human body would be forever lifted and that she would truly have found peace in a much better place.

2009 also reminded me of my own mortality and how fleeting and sudden death could come. With the protection of God and His mercy, our lives were spared on a night while sending a friend of mine to the airport. The reality of my mortality struck me that day. Sometimes I lay afraid, frightened by the fact that if I died now, would I truly be with God? Am I assured of your salvation, Dear God?

2009 is a great reminder of the importance of relationships and to cherish the time I have left. I wish these things would provide me a daily reminder to number my days and cherish the remaining time that's left.

Seasons of Grandma

Spring was unknown to me,

But heaven choose to brighten your life with glee,

Until it overflowed into many hearts to me,

And formed your family to be.

Summer was of toil and sweat,

Hard work that formed your nuggets of wisdom,

Which you shared without regret,

To all who saw you at random.

Fall was a time of falling leaves,

Where your wisdom fell like that of maple leaves,

Littered all over your glorious tree,

Was those who admired thee.

Winter was cold and dreadful indeed,

A time where the leaves waned and flee,

But all shall remember your wonderful deed,

In which you touched our family with glee.