Things in life I like to ponder about

25 random things about me.

2011-08-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

1. I have a blue toothbrush

2. My favorite preacher is Paul Washer

3. I love fencing

4. I am strongly introverted

5. On my desk is a blue globe that I stroke everyday imagining what it feels like to be an evil dictator MUAHHAHAHAHAHA

6. I believe the best game ever created is Left 4 Dead.

7. I write poems

8. I am the second child in the family. (Adler says I am most successful)

9. My hometown is Kulim

10. I consider myself cultured well at least I am trying to be.

11. I join the GTPJ church

12. I love public speaking.

13.I am extremely cynical

14. I am analytical with my approach to discovery.

15. Being alone in my opinions sometimes makes me eccentric.

16. The lamest albeit best joke in the world is Joker's pencil trick in Dark Knight

17. Would you believe me if I told you I could operate a video camera and I sing on a monthly basis somewhere?

18. Jason enables my British and Texan accent. =P

19. I watch 8 serials now. Its amazing I know....They are Lie to me, House, Criminal minds, Burn Notice, Star Wars Clone Wars, Private Practice , Heroes, and Fringe.

20. And there are still people asking me to watch prison break some more!

21. I would like to head for Rome someday.

22. On my desk is the MERCK manual which I am damn proud of to have. (If you're from the medical community and you don't know what that is, shame on you!!!)

23. I think this year's askmen.com most desirable women is a fluke.

24. The best movie of all time to me is Amazing Grace.

25. I have a Freud lazy chair that people who come to my room enjoy sitting on.

This was something I found lying in my facebook page which I never posted. Somethings still apply. Haha I guess I haven't changed much.

The peril of choices

2010-12-23T05:48:00.000-08:00

The option of a choice is sometimes the greatest peril one can ever obtain. Here I am standing over the midst of an abyss of whether to take a leap of faith for my career or for my family.

I could just tell myself to screw this and not give a damn about my mother. I am extremely pissed that I have my life dictated to me by the whims of a schizophrenic mother. I didn't ask for this life and I don't want to deal with this.

Here I am as well, impressing HODs and managers in my company who are giving me career advice about how to advance myself, and how being patient and building my reputation in this career would trail blaze the future that I have. I dream of success and the very things that I love are holding me back. This sort of dilemma is not for the average 23 year old to deal with. I wish those punks that live for I-phones and shit could have this life and see whether they survive this shit.

GOD!!!! I didn't ask for this...........I WANT to advance myself. I WANT a career and yet the needs of my family are pulling me back. And I am at this cross road......wondering if I should quit my job in to accommodate the needs of my defunct family. I really love the company that I currently work for..........and I am not sure what I would be trading myself for if I were to quit or transfer to another department. Here a path of possible enlightenment/ destruction that stands before me..........A path where "everything burns and everyone screams"(pardon the song reference by Ben Moody and Anastasia) or a path where Frodo manages to throw the ring into Mount Doom and everything is dandy again.

Mission Accomplished for this year.

2010-10-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am glad that I finally got a job. This was one of the goals I had for this year and accomplishing it way ahead of schedule is really joyful for me. I guess the hardships faced in the previous months have been worth their while in a sense. It was really a difficult time for me.

I guess now however things will change. And the future seems a little brighter and sunnier. Really looking forward to working life and beginning the journey of a becoming a man. I've been reading a lot into John Eldridge's "Fathered by God" and found that I am in what he calls the warrior stage of life. In essence, the warrior stage of life is defined by hardship. His main premise is that God uses hardships of life in this stage to hone the qualities of being a man ie being relentlessness and unyielding in their efforts to strive for a better tomorrow. The key verse that he offers comes from Isaiah 50:7 which says "Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."

Just want to encourage those out there who have endured their fair share of hardships under cruel bosses and terrible work conditions. Use this valuable time to hone yourself. As it says in James "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." May God richly bless you in this time of trial.

It feels like a greek myth over here.

2010-07-21T04:37:00.001-07:00

In Greek Mythos, its always such that a person has to endure much suffering, pain and trials before reaching a specific goal or destination in life.

I believe in the concept of being perfected through suffering but the things I've had to endure for these past few days could easily pass for those of Hercules or any other greek myth that you've heard.

I get the feeling that God enjoys playing games with my life. He likes to see how I squirm and writhe in pain. I find little purpose in the trials I have to go through. They make me less strong, more vulnerable, and less in control. What kind of purpose could that serve?

The grief of facing a loved one in a psych hospital is really making me insane. I sometimes doubt my own sanity and find it hard to reconcile the fact that a benevolent and loving God could allow all these things to happen. What sort of madness is this? What allegiances have I not paid? Is it because of a lack of my loyalty, my service to His name, or is it a question of the piling of sins?

I wish I didn't need to endure this. I wish the weight of this cup of life would just pass from me. Why the darkness? Why involve those I love? Take my life as payment.....I don't care....my grief is beyond reproach.

Anger, frustration and bitterness fills my heart. What a betrayal....No assurances lie in the deep dark corners of this mortal life....No promises come to guard my heart and I stand alone in this darkness. If there be light, I see none of it. How great is Your love now, dear God? The weeping, the tears have once again draped the ground that you've claimed to defend. You're no tower to the weak, no refuge from the storm, no buckler in my time of need.

Instead, You lay hidden. Hiding Your face from me. Allowing me to torment, to rot, to writhe in deep darkness.

Such promises I need not dear God. A reality of You I wish to see. My allegiance falters.

Trying everything or denying everything

2010-06-08T08:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel a sense of remorse that I haven't tried much in life, haven't experienced it all, or haven't journeyed or risked pretty much anything. It sucks that I haven't experienced much in life. This really begs the question what have I done with it?

With 23 years of my life, I think I've experienced only a fraction of the things I should have and it makes me wonder, was I too cautious with my approach to life? Did I fear things that should have been experienced and savored? Paradoxically, I feel that my approach of caution has saved me many of the heart aches, the depressions and the sorrow that accompany brash and impulsive decisions. Due to religion and a background with Christianity, I find that I am still innocent to the ways of darkness but am slowly drawn towards its tantalizing snare. I cannot deny the part of me that is drawn to evil and its ways, its mysteries, its deep dark secrets. I know that the word of God asks us to be "Innocent to the ways of evil." (Romans 16:19) but yet I see those around me who aren't and yet tip-toeing between the lines of light and darkness. I am tempted by that lifestyle.

Options that I've chosen to take have ensured me that I've lived a life of purity till this moment. I find the struggles of maintaining that lifestyle ever more pressing, more demanding and more carnal. I don't understand why is it that I feel compelled to find a partner. Whether its my body telling me its time, or do I continue to wait for the timing of God? The choices are obvious but that doesn't make the decision any simpler.

I wonder what thoughts of purity should past through my mind in these dark moments. Sometimes the deep chill of loneliness and lack of love can lead a person to be so self-centered. I hope that this life of purity can gain its sustenance in God and that I continue to find strength to journey in it.

I will not deny that I've succumbed to passions of the flesh but thank God that through His grace its never with a physical person. The shame I bear in this area continues to be the cross I carry day to day. I wonder everyday why the Lord hasn't released me from this curse. I only hope that my future generations would never have to bear the weight of this curse and that it would end with my father's generation and mine.

My statement to fate

2010-05-13T21:27:00.001-07:00

You cruel persona. How could you do such a thing? How could you lambaste innocents with your hand? What measure of evil have you wrought forth and cast this destitution of love upon God's institution

It is your cruel hand, your hand oh fate that you deny us the comfort, the genuine nature of love. Cast your rage upon me and not upon the innocents. It is not your choice to make. You have no right for the others around me to suffer. Let me be your enemy and not them. Let me drink your cup of malice, the bitter nature of your essence, which you cast forth upon them but let not the innocent bear your cup. For I am your enemy and I am their shield.

No nature of your darkness shall permeate their lives. I am your enemy. I stand against you. My body maybe broken but my soul will fight you. You shan't taint them. My wrath will undo your wickedness, my hope will raise your cover of darkness and I will not let your cruelty befall them.

Jackass moment.

2010-04-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling you've just become a complete jackass and ignored the other person's feelings? Yeah that happened to yours truly today. Sometimes I surprise myself how insensitive I can truly be. Its one of those days.

(Note to self, stop talking when swimming) > This happened in a pool

Whoever wrote the theory on heuristics should be given an award because this clearly helped perpetuate the stereotype I cast on this particular person. Person in question (hence forth PIQ) was clearly a smart Alec scholar and gets A's in HELP like it takes the effort of drinking a glass of water. (that's what I think at least, I didn't really factor the difficulty the person goes through.) I made a very insensitive remark about how its easy for PIQ to get A's and how certain lecturers might have extremely high expectations on PIQ. PIQ was visibly pissed and thank god I didn't follow on that train of destruction and continue to talk about it.

Gotta thank Paul Ekman for saving my ass though. Through SETT(Subtle Emotion Training Tool), I managed to spot that PIQ was pissed at my comments about how certain lecturers expect the PIQ to do well. My saving grace was that I offered to help in PIQ's thesis. That demonstrated a lil bit of empathy on my part but still I kinda feel that I should have really guard my tongue.

Just wanna say sorry again if you (PIQ) ever read this.

Try defying gravity

2010-04-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

I am so addicted to this song......I have no idea why hahahaha.

Moral compasses in life.

2010-04-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

This is a tribute to those everyday normal people that I meet that have made a contribution into being a moral compass in my life.

Firstly let me thank ST (her initials):
She's one of those friends that really listen to me at times and is just really understanding. But first let me outline the scenario. I once jokingly said online that I wanted to just leave everything in M'sia behind and just go somewhere and travel, maybe father a few kids I don't know about. ST responded to my statement by saying :" Jon, if you ever do that, I'll never forgive you. You're one of the few guys who make me believe that there's still good guys around." Well, those are the kind of words you wish you heard more from church leadership. Knocks that crooked compass right back to north. Thanks for being a real pal,ST.

The uncle at the shop(shopkeeper):
This is one of the God is watching you scenarios and it happened today. I must admit I was feeling a lil down and decided to try an alcoholic beverage. I don't generally drink a lot but I felt I needed a "Subice" today. (Its one of those mixed with lemon juice and all. Pretty good if u don't wanna get wasted.) So there I was going up to the counter to pay and guess what the shopkeeper said to me. "I didn't know you drank drinks like this." That itself showed me that I was being watched. That individuals were just watching me and observing if I ever deviate from the path of righteousness.

Somehow, I felt God's hand in all these things. I just can't explain it but when God starts sending people in your face and pointing out certain things that you're doing, its just like a tight slap but like the God that He is, He'll never impose His will on you. You have to accept it willingly. Just some food for thought.

A heavy load off your shoulders?

2010-04-04T22:34:00.001-07:00

It beckons forth the period where one is supposed to find solace. Where peace reigns and indeed that sickening feeling of a heavy load of assignments and strings of evaluations from lecturers are supposed to end.

Is this peace available for me? I truly wonder. For now I am filled with fear and even sorrow that I've not done enough for my own assignments. A feeling of insufficiency grips me and tears within me saying you've not done enough. Aye....the dread of such feelings are insurmountable indeed. No one truly shares this dread but I alone. My heart feels the tingling sensation of the white cold winds of the north as they slowly pierce deep within, centimeter by centimeter.

This dreadful feeling is deeply unpleasant and painful. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions are playing tricks with me and shaping this deep seated issues against me.

An Unwritten Letter

2010-03-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

Your eyes have captured me and filled them with glee. Oh for a thousand tongues to sing the bliss bore within my heart is one that cannot to spoken of. That mild chocolate colored skin of yours which graces that ravishing figure would stop a man's heart dead in its tracks. How brown hair shines with a bright reflection makes me wonder what magic dwells within it.

Oh dear one, how I am fully captured by you, mesmerized by that sweet tone of voice, struck by your every gesture. How these hands long to bring you the comfort you desire. That they would indeed speak of my genuine heart, my longing to bring you happiness. Nay, it is not lust that I feel. No perverse nature of desire and passion but just a deep desire to understand, to know you as a person.

Oh dear one, shall I then again let this opportunity slip by? Let the emotions again fade once more that the illusions that they are? I am perplexed by these plethora of thoughts. Thoughts that whispers "she is the one","it is but your silly emotions", "you're weak because you've exposed yourself". They ensnare me, each pulling me towards their direction, convincing me that it is their way that is correct. What a relief it would be if I could share with you these thoughts.

Oh dear one, your requests for anything used to be my command. God as my witness, if I could, the stars would write your name and the moon would shine night and day only for you. Yet the anguish I feel when brought to awareness that you feel not the same, that I am merely a means to an end. It fills me and I wonder what have I done to merit your disapproval. That I stand not in line with those that you call "boyfriends" or "men". Many call on me and say to abandon this sinking ship, the pointless endeavor and yet I wonder to myself "Does not Love suffer long, is it not kind and envieth not? and that Love never fails?" Oh what spell of folly has been driven upon me that even when I am being so conveniently used that I see not. How I desire some word of wisdom that would sweep away this folly.

Light from Darkness

2010-03-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

So far it seems that light has ever shone,

Its hard to remember a time that's now gone,

The shades of heaven have gone so dim,

So hard to see that bright sunny halo rim.

And there it was as if shooting through the clouds,

A ray that pierced through those cold and glumly clouds,

That brief glimmer was enough to light the darkness,

Rekindling all hope that was lost in sadness.

Quarter Life Crisis

2010-01-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

When did I come to this state of losing answers? At the beginning of this course of psychology in 2005, I had all the answers. I knew the state that which I was in, what I wished to attain, what I wished to gain from all this. I had my career path mapped out. Knowing who I wanted to be, who I was and what I was going to become.

Throughout the years in this program however, I've grown tired, demotivated, and worst of all, reached a state where all the answers I knew I was going to achieve, to attain, are all gone. Now its seems to me that nothing is for certain. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I don't know to what end all this is achieving. Where did all my surety in life went to? Its as if some vortex of doom sucked all of this away, leaving me utterly confused in the state I am in.

Why does it seem that my wisdom, my direction, my paths, all have left me? I no longer know these things. My guiding strength has left me. Is this the state of helplessness that God longs for in a person? That I would cast away all hope, all confidence, all surety in these things? I hate this "weakness" that dawns upon me everyday. Its as if its there to curse me and tell me that everything I do is vanity, its hopeless and its fading.

God!!!! Why is it that I have to see the world this way?! Why am I given such foresight? Such knowledge to understand the destitute and hopeless state we're in? And how much longer must I cry out to plead this state of destitution away? Is it part of a nightmare that I am in; that I must endure such treatment.

Where are You? Dear God......I really need You........

Reflections about 2009

2010-01-01T03:15:00.000-08:00

One has to wonder at the start of the new year, what great things shall be achieved, what great dreams still lay dormant within the mystery of the future. There's a time though that one has to look back and realize what one has learnt and 2009 has been a year of many lessons and deep memories.

The lessons in time that this year has taught me were those of great pain due to the fact that I lost my grandmother this year. Indeed, it is never when a person is alive when they're truly cherished. Many artists like Monet and Picasso can attest to such a life and it was during her death that the beauty of my grandma shone the brightest as memories of her kindness and wisdom were once again remembered.

It was difficult to remember those days. Those days where she would cook for Chinese new year. That she would specially prepare herbal chickens for us who were weak in our bodies, her final advice she gave to me when I went to KL. My heart tears with grieve as I vaguely remember those times. God forgive me as those memories were so deeply important but not remembered.

2009 cast a deadly warning over my life; warning me to cherish the opportune moments that remain with my remaining grandfather. The tears of sorrow which graced the faces of my relatives still cast a shadow upon me until today and I wonder at times if I could have done more to lessen my grandmother's pain of chronic renal failure, diabetes, hypertension and myriads of other diseases I can't remember. I can only ask that God would show mercy upon her and that in her death that these sufferings which plague a human body would be forever lifted and that she would truly have found peace in a much better place.

2009 also reminded me of my own mortality and how fleeting and sudden death could come. With the protection of God and His mercy, our lives were spared on a night while sending a friend of mine to the airport. The reality of my mortality struck me that day. Sometimes I lay afraid, frightened by the fact that if I died now, would I truly be with God? Am I assured of your salvation, Dear God?

2009 is a great reminder of the importance of relationships and to cherish the time I have left. I wish these things would provide me a daily reminder to number my days and cherish the remaining time that's left.

Seasons of Grandma

2009-11-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

Spring was unknown to me,

But heaven choose to brighten your life with glee,

Until it overflowed into many hearts to me,

And formed your family to be.

Summer was of toil and sweat,

Hard work that formed your nuggets of wisdom,

Which you shared without regret,

To all who saw you at random.

Fall was a time of falling leaves,

Where your wisdom fell like that of maple leaves,

Littered all over your glorious tree,

Was those who admired thee.

Winter was cold and dreadful indeed,

A time where the leaves waned and flee,

But all shall remember your wonderful deed,

In which you touched our family with glee.

Storms admist this season.

2009-10-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling that you're helpless in a situation which demands your every attention but you can't really do anything about it?

Recently, a position to be the assistant director of my father's company was forced upon me. Some of you are probably going WOW and would jump at the opportunity. Unfortunately, its not as glamorous as it seems. I for one think that this position would demand a lot from me and thus not allow me to perform my duties as a assistant cell leader and student effectively.

I also desire to learn the true motivation behind my father's intentions on putting me in this position. I would certainly value the challenge if my father had phrased it in such a manner that he thought I was indeed mature enough to handle and decide the direction of his company however that wasn't the case. I was shouted upon and said that I was stupid, naive and idiotic to not see what my step mother (who by the way has been wayyyyyyyyy more accountable than my father in supplying my monthly allowance) was plotting against him and trying to sabotage my education fees if I failed to claim my position in this company.

Personally, I think this is a gambit for power that my dad is trying to pull. Using my position in the company to pull a 2-1 score against my step mother who also co-owns part of his company. It is a pathetic ploy which a child could see through in a mere second. Wisdom dictates that I should just stay out of this but when your family is involved how can you dodge a bullet like this. More importantly, I've had curses pronounced over me by my own father. Sometimes you really do wonder what kind of a father you have when he says such things.

I wonder is this a sign from God that I should start praying for him or that I should just leave him to the tormentors. Needless to say, I've very little respect for my father and his ways. Sometimes I even doubt the surety behind his profession of Christ as he has very little love for both his ex and current wife. I sometimes ask God what did I ever do to merit such a father. Its truly at times like this that one desires to ask the question:" What would Jesus do?"

Thoughts, comments and opinions are always welcome

New season, old friends

2009-10-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

I guess this is almost the ending chapter of my university life. Hence the new season.

In 2 semesters, I'll be graduating already. Its good to know. I haven't blogged for the longest time and I myself wonder why haha. Part of me thinks its because blogs are rather narcissistic. Kinda thought I needed sometime to focus on others.

I've been met up with some friends to talk about working life and it seems to be really exciting unless you're doing a donkey job like telemarketing or survey interviewing. In general, working seems to inspire a sense of deeper independence in me. The thought of earning your own money is kinda invigorating.

I've met up with an old friend today. Turns out things have been kinda tough for her. She shared about some experiences with friends (specifically christians) who were hypocritical in the way they lived their lives. They imposed certain judgments upon her but when it came to their own lives there wasn't any condemnation just because they were christians.

Visibly, this seems rather unfair but the lesson I observed most from this is that this generation of christians need to take a stand for Christ. Our lifestyles are sometimes a mockery to pure Christian living. (I would like to use Romans 12 as a benchmark.) In Romans 12, it says to present your "bodies" as a living sacrifice to God. This doesn't mean conforming your "heart" to Jesus Christ just by professing it. Looking at the Greek text of Strong's Lexicon, (sorry for being technical or bible scholarly but I need to illustrate this point), the root word of "soma" or "bodies" is "sozo" which if outlined in biblical usage is to "to save from the evils which obstruct the reception of the Messianic deliverance". (View source http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?Strongs=G4982&t=KJV). To take this literally from a biblical perspective, are you saving yourself from all these evils that obstruct Jesus's deliverance over your life?

In Christianity, many talk about being in the permissive or perfect will of God. Being in the permissive will of God is tantamount to stretching the grace of God which will ultimately result in judgment. As Malachi 3:2 says "He will come as a refiner's fire". Think you can stand the wrath of God when it appears? I hate to think its just as mild as a lightning bolt from heaven. Just thoughts....

Disappointments

2009-06-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

Curses man!....After all that hard work and a single memory lapse and everything goes to heck.

I am referring to my Youth Work and Services exam. Damn it. Sometimes it strikes me the hardest that I am unable to just do things right! This sorta makes me wanna turn back time and go in there and fix that exam paper all over again.

I can't believe this......Sighs...... I hope the next exam isn't this pathetic... ETR (Estimated time remaining) until exam 1 hour 35 mins.....

Good day's worth of work?

2009-04-20T11:29:00.001-07:00

Well......I am gonna show you guys a side I don't really show alot.....Emotion.....

I feel kinda proud of myself today cuz I summarized chapters worth of information into less than 7 pages! HAHA! Kinda cool rite? Haiz syok sendiri......

T_T I still have 4 chapters to do.......and I am so bloody tired.......FUhhhh...... Geez....Leona Lewis is driving me depressed.....grrr.......

ARGGGHHHH FINALS in 1 day......Less than 24 hours away now......sighs..... Cursed Career Guidance and Counseling skills........MAN!!! What the heck.....!!!

Remember your God.

2009-03-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

"I will bear the indignation of the LORD,
Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case And executes justice for me.
He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His righteousness."
Mic 7:9

How long has it been since you heard a verse like this? Micah 7:9 states that a sinner owns up to his mistakes because he has sinned and allows God to execute justice for him.

This shows us not only the confidence of the believer in his Lord to deliver him from this peril, it also shows an owning up of his path of mistakes. I fall into the great trap of sometimes sinning and not apologizing for it as well. We all take things for granted sometimes and this takes a toll on ourselves and on the relationships we keep.

Don't take this the wrong way because discipline is not something that is bad. (I sorta think that the community of psychologists have made discipline an evil word.) As Hebrews 12:6 once said For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. Just like a fruit that needs pruning or gold that needs to be purified. Discipline and wrath is not necessarily hatred, rage or even abuse as proven here.

Hidden tears

2009-03-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Psalms 40
¹¹ Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O LORD;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
¹² For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
¹³ Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me;
O LORD, make haste to help me!

Dear God,

What letters shall I write before You? When the innocent perish and rage grows triumphant. How my heart stings when I imagine the carnage unfolding. Am I to be like Job? Where has Your great promises of protection and safety faded to? Lord, how bitter now is this heart of mine? How bitter more will it become? God, why do You draw the innocent into this? Am I not much more a worthy victim? Lord, your servants cry and yet do you listen. Where's that mighty outstretched arm? Your promise of being a tower to the weak? My Lord, make haste and be not far from me. Be not far from me dear God.

The journey between the mind and the heart

2009-03-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

After yum cha with Ax.....I thought about this (He's gonna claim credit for my epiphany hahaha)

Far away this journey lies,
From the mind to the heart,
Before what one knows safely lies,
Within one's heart and never part.

If only men did what they knew,
If only men saw the essence of truth they knew,
How this world perishes not for a lack of knowledge,
But a lack of application of that knowledge.

A life which seems so bleak and thin,
Now faded in smoke after the world takes a spin,
When what one knows is not what one does,
Behold the speed in which wisdom flees.

Yea, like stagnated water that flows away not,
And will soon breed chaos and death,
So shall it be if knowledge flows not,
From the mind to a heart which life beats forth.

Insightful article.

2009-02-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

"Shew me wherefore thou contendest with me." — Job 10:2

Perhaps, O tried soul, the Lord is doing this to develop thy graces. There are some of thy graces which would never be discovered if it were not for thy trials. Dost thou not know that thy faith never looks so grand in summer weather as it does in winter? Love is too often like a glow-worm, showing but little light except it be in the midst of surrounding darkness. Hope itself is like a star--not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Afflictions are often the black foils in which God doth set the jewels of His children's graces, to make them shine the better. It was but a little while ago that on thy knees thou wast saying, "Lord, I fear I have no faith: let me know that I have faith." Was not this really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials?--for how canst thou know that thou hast faith until thy faith is exercised? Depend upon it, God often sends us trials that our graces may be discovered, and that we may be certified of their existence. Besides, it is not merely discovery, real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials. God often takes away our comforts and our privileges in order to make us better Christians. He trains His soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers, and climb mountains, and walk many a long mile with heavy knapsacks of sorrow on their backs. Well, Christian, may not this account for the troubles through which thou art passing? Is not the Lord bringing out your graces, and making them grow? Is not this the reason why He is contending with you?

"Trials make the promise sweet;
Trials give new life to prayer;
Trials bring me to His feet,
Lay me low, and keep me there."

Wow. If only christians today thought like this!!!

The empty heart

2009-02-02T07:25:00.001-08:00

So deeply imbued in this heart,
A desire which longs for more,
Knowing a destiny which is in part,
Knowing life is worth much more.

In what shall I find meaning?
In what shall I find destiny?
Tarrying in this endless circle of meaninglessness,
Has my soul raving in restlessness.

Oh this sleepless night,
Wondering if there's more to this life,
Pondering whether the path is right,
Wondering why is the misery in this life is rife

Article By Michael Backman

2009-01-20T14:42:00.000-08:00

Israelis are living high on US expense account
By Michael Backman
The Age
January 17, 2009

THERE'S a memorable scene in the Stephen Spielberg film ‘Munich’. After the 1972 Munich Olympic Games killings of Israeli athletes, prime
minister Golda Meir tells confidants she wants to show the plotters that killing Jews "is expensive". She then organises for the assassination
of each of the plotters.

Today, it is Israel itself that has become expensive. Most directly, it is very expensive to the US, which subsidises and arms it.

But Israel's utter inability to transform the Palestinians from enemies into friends has imposed big costs on us all. We have paid for Israel's
failure with bombs on London public transport, bombs in bars in Bali, and even the loss of the World Trade Centre towers in New York.

It is not true that these outrages have occurred because certain Islamic fundamentalists don't like Western lifestyles and so plant bombs in
response. Rather, it is Israel — or more correctly the treatment of the Palestinians — that is at the nub of these events.

The world's Muslims have no head: no overarching caliph or pope equivalent exists — no single power source with whom to negotiate.
Instead, Islam is remarkably decentralised. So, how extraordinary that Israel and the West have managed to unite this headless, diverse,
dispersed grouping without any institutional framework, around just one issue — anger at the treatment of the Palestinians.

Otherwise dispersed groups of Muslims do seem to feel for one another in a way that Christians and others do not.

In this respect, the international Islamic community is like a body: kick it in the leg and the rest of the body feels it. Kick it hard enough and
the entire body will be energised to defend itself. Pictures of distraught Gazan mothers beside the mutilated bodies of their children are
circulating right now among Muslim communities worldwide. It is pictures like these that make them want to do something.

Consider Malaysia. Every citizen of this outpost of Islam has printed in his or her passport that the passport is not valid for Israel. And given
that Malaysians are not allowed to hold dual citizenship, this essentially means that every Malaysian citizen, including the 40% who are not
Muslims, are banned from visiting Israel.

"When will Malaysia recognise Israel?" I once asked the then finance minister. "Once Israel treats the Palestinians better," was his reply.
How would he determine that? "When the Palestinians tell us," he said. It is not Israel's right to exist that is at issue.

The enmity many Muslims now feel for Israel has nothing to do with religion. The historical persecutors of the Jews have been Christians —
their punishment for the death of Jesus. Jews and Muslims have lived in peace for hundreds of years in many parts of the Islamic world.
When Catholic Spain and Portugal expelled its Jews, the Ottoman sultan in Istanbul invited them in. It is the Palestinian issue that has
ruined all this.

Of course, today Israel must defend itself. If the residents of Bendigo started firing rockets into Melbourne you would expect Melbourne to
retaliate. But what must Melbourne have done to Bendigo to make them do such a thing? Constantly slapping an opponent in the face,
kicking it down to its knees, and watching it struggle in the dirt will not teach the opponent to love or respect you. It teaches only hatred.

Persecuting people does not weaken them. Israel should know that. The Jews have been persecuted for centuries. It didn't destroy them
but gave them the impetus to survive.

One characteristic that is common among persecuted groups is a strong investment in education — when people's physical wealth is in
danger of destruction from war and persecution one store of wealth that stays with individuals even when they must flee as refugees is
education. It explains why such groups often insist on their own schools — education is too important to be entrusted to others.

Hamas did not enjoy the support of all the people of Gaza. It does now. Why does Israel keep getting it wrong?

Trekking in Nepal is fashionable among young Israelis. So much so that many shops in Kathmandu and Pokhara have signs in Hebrew. But
once you get on the trekking circuit and speak with local Nepalese guides and guesthouse operators you soon discover how disliked the
Israelis are. Many guesthouses in this poor country will even tell Israeli trekking groups that they are full rather than accept them. This has
nothing to do with religion or politics: Nepalese people are some of the warmest, most hospitable in the world. Rather, they say that the
young Israelis are rude, arrogant, and argue over trifling amounts of money even though they clearly have means.

Israel needs to change. The Parsees of India might provide a model. The Parsees are a very tiny, very rich ethnic and religious minority.
They own perhaps most of the land in central Mumbai as well as the country's largest conglomerate. And yet ordinary Indians admire and
respect them. Violence against them is unthinkable.

How have they achieved this? They are not flashy or arrogant. Their overriding characteristic is a deep interest in the welfare of others.
They have established hospitals, libraries, schools, museums and many other institutions and, most importantly, not for the Parsee
community exclusively but for everyone. So the Parsees have peace and the Israelis do not.

Images purportedly from Gaza such as this example have
been circulated by e-mail in Malaysia and Indonesia in recent
weeks, accompanied by text in Malay which translates in part as: "I
cry because I'm a muslim, and my brothers are being killed!" And
so Muslims worldwide are being energised and drawn into a conflict
which otherwise has no direct bearing on them.

Taken from http://michaelbackman.com/NewColumn.html

IP Man and 4 Christmases

2009-01-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Just how good is the movie IP Man? (pronouced "yip man" Cantonese style). As good as you've been hearing about all its raving. Not even gonna spoil the scenes with a sneak peak but if you guys need a back ground, its about the famous grandmaster of the Wing Chun style, Ip Man, who actually disipled Bruce Lee. Overall, it scores a 9 on my scale of 10. I was so immersed I nearly lost 2 items :P I would leave you with this quote though..."Ngo yiu da sap goh" (which means I wanna beat up 10 guys) Hehe. So if you're looking for comedy, action and all the typical elements of a chinese movie, this is a must watch!!

4 Christmases? Not so hot. If u're into another typical american movie that spells cheesy humor and typical disasters during holidays, this is yr thing. Other wise.....just take 5 and sit this one out. There are definitely better things to do in life but hey if you need a silly laugh by all means go ahead. 5/10 guys.

A poem without a name.

2008-12-12T05:36:00.001-08:00

In sin I lay without a doubt,
Awaiting Your soothing touch of redemption,
Like a journeyman who has lost his route,
Awaiting Your hand to guide his every action.

Oh wretched being that I am,
Why does a God so noble care?
Have I truly the worth of the world that You say I am?
That a world so large cannot compare with a soul so rare.

Could I accept Thy love?
Or perhaps the human mind cannot comprehend,
Why You descended from heaven like a dove,
To bear upon Yourself the fate of humanity which had ended.

Has my fate being sealed?
For in sin I lay barren and torn,
Yet You sought me for the fate I have sealed,
And promised me a hope reborn.

Woe to me that I see not Your grace,
That upon this I hang my head in shame,
For I comprehend not this love,
And for all its simplicity I failed to see.

Women feel they are sexiest at 34

2008-12-09T09:20:00.000-08:00

Haha, this is a riot. It takes 34 years of life for a woman to find out their sexy. Sometimes surveys like this bother me alot. I truly wonder what's going on? Why is it that women can feel sexy at the age of 21 or 24 or for that matter 65? Does there have to be a limit? Or is it just strange that there's a pinnacle where sexiness is concerned and it sloops off after then?

In my personal opinion, surveys like this generalize on how women feel and set the standard for some that by 34 years old, you have better had experience in the bedroom for you to be sexy. Such connotations are degrading and set stupid standards for people. (FYI, this survey was done by Astral [some moisturiser brand]). This is something women have to learn. You can feel sexy at age 34, you can also feel so at 65!!! Don't let some survey dictate your life. If your beau can't make you feel appreciated and beautiful, you might need to find someone else.

Taken from : http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/HealthSci/Women_feel_they_are_sexiest_at_34/rssarticleshow/3810703.cms

Mahathir on AlJazeera.

2008-12-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

Mahathir is such a joker. Haha

Machiavellian

2008-12-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to be Machiavellian?

Some synonyms with this word are two faced, cunning, or placing pragmatism over morality. A facade that shades over our eyes; that you're not the person that you were just 5 minutes ago. How does one switch between such extremes? Is it possible that one moment you're deceitful and cunning and next you're the person who dwells in the midst of righteousness?

Are we trading ourselves for masks? Masks of deception and masks of perfection? Is the righteousness that you now bear still righteousness if its hidden under a mask of pain and insecurity? What are the foundations that are formed upon if they are not real? Written in Isaiah 64:6 is this:

But we are all like an unclean [thing], And all our righteousnesses [are] like
filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, Have
taken us away.

Are you then a great person + God = Perfect person?

Are you then a nobody + God = Perfect person?

When the pie gets small, people get desperate

2008-11-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

Well, obviously I don't need to tell you that the economy is terrible but this is just horrific. The figures double every year guys.

Love gets the attention of people

2008-11-20T20:02:00.000-08:00

A recent intervention done by Ong (2008) which was replicated by Gan (2008) showed that facebook status changes of "single" to "in a relationship" invoked the most responses from individuals.

This is a startling find. According to Ong (2008) within a day, 16 responses were collected. Gan (2008) replication was similar and showed matching results within half a day. Due to personal traumas from the smses and ethical considerations (the participant did not want to lie), the participant decided to withdraw from the experiment.

Preliminary observations show that majority of the responses came from females with the leading question being "who is the girl?". With such startling statistics we estimate a correlation of 0.8 could be possible if one switches the status of one's relationship.

Hopefully researchers would remain vigilant in this field to establish more concrete statistics.

A question of submission

2008-11-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

I am often baffled by this question. How is it possible for some to lay down their lives in utter submission towards the will of God?

I know that many a time my heart is just taken by things that don't matter. 2 things really bother me. How did I get to this state and why am I just plain apathetic about it? I am supposed to care about my well being and the person that I am.

As a christian, your ultimate goal is to consciously lay down your own will and set your needs aside in pursuit of God's will. I've been listening a lot to Ravi Zacharias lately and here was one very interesting question he posed:

"How is it that the christians claim of such an infinite God that is powerful and yet there is so little change in His people?"

Have we done justice to the name of God? In Leviticus 20:22-26, God states that we are His people which have been separated from the unclean and that we should be Holy for He is holy. Does the servant emulate after his master? Sometimes I myself feel condemned that I am writing things like these because I have not practiced them.

I am surprised how God spends time to actually capture my attention. I don't know if you guys get this but there are times at the back of my head that I just heard the whispers going:"Hey, I've missed you today." or "Hey, where's that promise that you were gonna start your day with Me?" Its statements like these that sometimes prompt me to just wanna break down and cry. That God would actually take time to tell you all these things!!! I guess that's how David felt when he knew God thought of him that much (Psalms 139:17-18).

What I find even more amusing is that God keeps coming back! Regardless of how many times you've not answered. What kind of a God does that? Indeed God wants to know you. Put yourself in His shoes and face (literally) a world of denials from people. Those beings that You conceived and crafted with your hands have now turned against You. Calling You a fraud, a fake. Those that claim they believe in You have nothing but an idea of You and not knowing You for who You really are.

These certainly are tough issues to answer. And the journey of submission towards God is of even greater multitude. Though tired I must continue to believe because as Philippians 1:6 says "He who began a good work will finish it."

Candid moments while playing Max Payne 2

2008-10-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

Haha. This is what happens when u mess with Max Payne. You get put in a wheel chair. Literally.

Fatigue

2008-10-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

Oh so fast night reaches,
That the morning passes like the fleeting wind,
A fore a dusty bed one reaches,
Falling upon it like life itself has ended.

Where art the rest of heaven promised to weary souls,
Where art the spirit of soaring eagles promised?
Crawling upon the ground of an unknown destiny,
Wondering if it is all a vanity.

Weary from battle the lone warrior says,
Is this all worth the honor I stood for?
Allowing his sword to slip from his very hands,
Falling back and into the arms of fate his body pour.

To be broken.

2008-10-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

Its written in the book of Psalms, that the sacrifices of God are a "broken spirit and a contrite heart". The two hebrew words mentioned in context of a broken spirit and contrite heart are the words :Shabar and Dakah which bears rather almost the same meaning which is to be crushed or broken before the Lord.

According to those definitions, I find my spiritual life wanting. I am not broken in my sins and sometimes I relish in them. I find it odd that sometimes christians are called to be "salt and light of the world" We're supposed to be the ones changing things around, bringing light into darkness, yet sometimes I find that the darkest of hearts is in one's self.

You then question God. That there is this emotional depravity that God has created within you and made you prone to. Why is that? Why does He do this? I don't hope to offer an answer because I seek to find one myself. This is a massive search in one's spiritual life. Maybe I am just too thickheaded to seek Him myself. Relishing in my ability to solve things or to ignore them entirely

Sighs.......When did I become so arrogant or apathetic? Is this the spiritual death that is explained in James 2? That faith without works is dead and because my faith is not acted out through a life of righteousness and love?

Greater love hath no man?

2008-09-15T08:48:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I am actually seeing the word of God in action. I am utterly surprised at this. Some birthday gift today was.

You really have to wonder sometimes what causes a man to go so far beyond the call of duty and reach out to people out of sheer reverence and knowledge of the presence of God. To quote what he said:" Jesus didn't die on the cross only for people He would want to hang out with". How true is that.

So often we forget that Jesus died for everyone. Those who are mentally unsound, those who can't differentiate truth from fiction, and those who need a world of their own to escape the harsh and terrifying realities of life.

Our generation has 2 great pitfalls:
1. We keep Jesus to ourselves because it is only our salvation that matters the most
2. Our actions only have verbal value (like the evangelist who preaches but never does!)

Sure......... we know the words "Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for his friends" . We preach it every single day but when we see beggars, eccentric people, that geek which no one wants to hang out with, that boy who has an imaginary friend, we immediately withdraw our love. I don't deny that I am one of those people myself and I can only hope that one day God would pull His transformational power in my life

Seeds of Wrath

2008-09-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder if your little quirks and stupid comments give way to seeds of wrath? Here the old adage goes that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Never saw the reality of the situation before but I currently have.

Lesson learned.....Don't piss a feminista off.

Feminista (Fem-e-nis-ta) defined:
A person who exalts the will of women over men.

Traits of a feminista:
Not allowing gentlemanliness
Exalts the trampling of good men

It's so dry

2008-08-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

Pastures of green have faded,
Where's the waters of life promised?
Barren lands on which life once stood ever stronger,
Now nothing remains but a dry tree clinging on to life.

Oh this drought of silliness,
How one toils and nothing grows,
Is this land to grow nothing but cactus and barren fruit,
That you wish to curse the sky that never falls rain.

When will rain come to rekindle life?
When will rain come to restore life?
How I missed the days where sweet and juicy fruits grew,
How I missed the days where purpose roamed within these orchards.

All is gone
All is gone
No purpose whatsoever,
Dry and barren this land stands.

Where is the promised rain from heaven,
To lift this accursed land from its God forsaken nature,
Restoring the life of heaven that's due it,
So that it serves the purpose meant under heaven.

E Pluribus Unum

2008-08-20T02:41:00.000-07:00

The above phrase means "out of the many, one". Many don't know the meaning of that phrase even when its on the most common thing in the world. A simple American Coin. Many things in life surface from this motto or phrase. For example, out of the many problems, one solution;Out of the many states, one nation.

At this current phase of life, I find myself basking in important questions like what am I going to do with my life? How can I be a better person? Why is it I am not who I want to be? Why is my life bordering insanity because of boredom? We search and we search and never seem to find the answer. Somehow doing similar things everyday does seem to have its negative effects on a person. Its in the insanity in the cycle of life that we sometimes long for something more. Some turn to love (or in this age lust), addictions, people, religion to break this insane cycle to get a different gist out of life.

But is there more to this search? Does it truly lie in people, religion, addictions, or lust? Or is there something more. What is the quintessence of this life? What is it that would truly make you whole? Occasionally I feel that it's pointless to ask such questions because no one will answer and even if someone cared to answer there was too much to do to achieve that of which is spoken of. Yet true to its word, out of the many questions, one solution.

GOD is that solution.

Some would probably moan and groan at the option because many are either dead to that notion that God exists and posit that it is a means of constriction over the many countless options that life has provided before us. Yet this begs the question, how many of your options are actually your options? Remember that time which you were dared or challenged to break a rule that your parents told you not to break but you did it anyways because your friends dared you to? Or how many times have you gone clubbing (not because you liked it) but because your friends asked you to. Whereas putting yourself willfully under the watchful and secure hands of God, that is truly a choice. The first choice in life that you probably had to make on your own. Not because others asked you to but because you seek a life of wholesomeness and clarity.

There's a hard journey up ahead but when you have such a powerful being backing you, I don't think there'll ever be a problem. As it's written in the bible, If God is for us, who can be against us? {Rom 8:31 NIV}

Jesus's diary

2008-08-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

"Carry My Cross"

As long as I remember I've been walking through the wilderness
Praying to the Father
And waiting for my time I've come here with a mission
And soon I'll give my life for this world I'm praying in the garden
And I'm looking for a miracle I find the journey hard but
It's the reason I was born
Can this cup be passed on Lord,
I pray your will be done In this world

Chorus
So I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I'll do it for love
No, it won't be in vain Yes,
I'll carry my cross And I'll carry the shame
I feel like I'm alone here
And I'm treated like a criminal
The time has come for me now
Even though I've done no wrong Father, please forgive them
They know not what they've done In this world
Three more days and I'll be coming back again
Three more days and I'll be coming back again

Look at the lyrics of this song. I bet Jesus thought these thoughts when He came. Here's the song hope you guys enjoy it.

The internship experience

2008-07-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

Well well, the day of me finally looking at books is over; now replaced by a daunting sight of the "internship experience".

So far things have been rather interesting under Doc Goh. Me and the team working together have really had our hands full. Here are the list of projects we as a team are working on.

Corporate training material
Materials for website development
Goal setting

On top of that, we have to help out with 2 upcoming events: The HELP Psychology Challenge and the 30 Hour Famine. Yeah... fatigue and lack of sleep is on the rise. Don't even have time for a life anymore. Haha. Well....its the ponderer sighing off... :P

Change is the essense of improvement in an individual

2008-07-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write this for a long time because it's one of the quotes I came up with. If ever I become famous for anything, I want this quote posted up somewhere muahahaha.

Change like many of us know is not easy and it is a tedious and difficult path. To change implies restructuring, reconstituting, and reestablishing one's identity, character and values. A simple example to put this is that of a criminal. Criminals are the ones who usually need this form of reconstruction of their entire being.

Change if defined by what I mentioned above (change of identity, character and values) is fairly difficult. Just imagine the social stigma and condemnation a criminal faces when he exits jail and tries to live a normal life again. It isn't easy and the journey is so tough that many just rather surrender to that schema of being a criminal (since no one thinks I am capable of change, I might as well abide by their wishes.)

That's a fairly extreme example. Most of us don't have to go through that. Our struggles might be more trivial but nonetheless equally important. It's always said that human beings can never attain perfection in life. That doesn't mean however that we should never strive towards it. Many say perfection is overrated but if you never try how far up the scale would you go?

Think of your journey of change as an adventure and further on years into the future, you would look back and say I am now a better person as a result of this change and look how much closer you are to perfection now. As is written in in Romans 12:2, we should "be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

A dawn of something

2008-07-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

Life as it is has been rather hectic these days. Been asking God what is it he wants me to do with my life of late. I was a little afraid of the answers I might be getting. I remembered once hearing in Psalms 34:7 that if you "Delight your self in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Well I am gonna rationalize this sentence for you best I can. To break it down

Delight yourself in the Lord.

This means to make God's desires your desires. Delight yourself in the things that God sees to be worthy of delight in. As it is also written in John 14:15, "If you love me, obey my commandments".

And He will grant you the desires of your heart.

Interestingly, we pay more attention to this part of the verse than that of the beginning. It says DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD!!!. That means to make your desires HIS desires. I used to think this is God's way of screwing around with verses but it's clear that I didn't read the contract properly.

I thought that this is God's way of screwing me out of a good deal but it's not. We can't even begin to comprehend the love, the sacrifice, and the pain He went through to redeem us. It's like Paul Washer said :" God is going. HEY!!! I AM YOUR GOD AFTER ALL THIS!!! AND YOU ARE MY PEOPLE WHOM I AM SO GLAD WITH!!! and we reply: "Ok.....so what else is there?" For God to have went from immortal status to come down to mortal and die for us, can you imagine how much of power you would be giving up? It's like the Sultan of Malaysia suddenly decides to become a normal citizen and help society instead of sitting on his throne. Imagine the magnitude of power you would be forgoing and to humble yourself to a level to which you as a God would be willing to die for your people. Jesus came the first step, who are we to say "what else is there?"

There's a reason things happen in life?

2008-06-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

Is there? I don't really know. It is once written in Ecclesiates that sorrow shapes the countenance of the heart. (Ecclesiates 7:3)

I am sick of being sorrowful. It's a dreadful and endless circle in which I seem to swing about in. Twists and turns and tossed about by the visisstitudes of fate to an endless avail to life. Where's the life of meaning I am supporsed to lead?

Why? WHY?! WHY!? Doesn't God know that I am suffering, that I've had enough? I am tired and still I have to be stretched further by circumstanes. My heart is rent and at times I no longer see hope for myself and yet I seem to be able to offer hope to others. A false hope perhaps. A silly naive perception that only fools believe in.

Why is it that God constantly asks me to draw from a well that is empty? I myself am not filled and I have to continue drawing. And yet of all days, today I see one who's heart is itself rent and torn and yet able to transcend that pain and burden and still find a moment to offer hope, sacrifice and encouragement onto others.

Guess God's saying......Get off your arse and learn something.

Despair

2008-06-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

Despair = Suffering - Meaning.

Think about that. It was Viktor Frankl's equation behind the element of despair. He provided a brilliant example of a student of his who had a suffered full body paralysis. She later found her meaning in life giving comfort to those who have been paralysed or lost someone special during their lifetime. You might be thinking how a fully paralysed body can write? She doesn't. She types using a stick with her mouth on a typewriter.

It's interesting to know that when you've been through suffering and managed to achieve a sense of meaning, you can start to see hope in that darkened picture. Failing to see meaning in it however results in despair. Frankl also reasoned that meaning can be discovered from every facet of life. If meaning can really be found that way, we had better start making the correct choices of what we do everyday. Imagine ascribing your entire life's meaning to sex, to crime, or some element of addiction, what would your meaning of a glorious life then be reduced to? A hedonic paradigm that one ignores others and is merely self seeking. Is this truly what it means to be human?

What happens in Malacca stays in Malacca.

2008-05-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

It's an absolute wonder just to revel at the beauty of nature in the A Famosa resort. That's the view from my apartment just a day ago before I had to return to the hustle and bustle of modern society. Well...unfortunately I can't tell the tale of what exactly went on down there. Hence the title. (but as a christian, we didn't breach any unbreachable boundaries)

Glad that this experience has helped me learn a lil about both the psyche of human beings and also the motivations in which help us define who we are.

Cited in Erikson's psychosocial theory is the conflict of one's search for intimacy vs isolation. Many of my cell members fall within this category. The fact of the matter is they have defined their identity as a person and are right now seeking for people to support and secure that identity in which they have built up. Hence the incredible search for one's life partner or perhaps even a community to solidify that sense of identity. Some might even use Maslow's hierarchy to parallel the needs of love and belonging in this category.

This shows the importance of community in one's life. The individual as itself is an important aspect but no one lives in isolation of one another. Imagine you citing yourself as the richest or smartest person alive and having no one to back that identity or position to compare yourself with. What use is that? Rene Descartes may have coined the phrase "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think therefore I am" but are we really that individualistic? That we live in isolation without comparing ourselves and having others approve of who we are?

Balance is once again key... Our identity is both a mixture of who we are and who people define us to be. This again differentiates between the "I" self and the "Me" self. "I" self are the I know who I am based on my own definitions. "Me" self is the me who is defined by others. If your identity is entirely "Me" self, we have an individual that would change like the wind, completely malleable to the pressures of conformity and evaluations by others. On the other hand, you don't want to be a thick headed person who can't take a single advice from anyone would u?

Just some thoughts. Au Revoir

Buying IKEA beds? Think Again

2008-04-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone this is a news flash for IKEA wooden beds.... If you happened to enjoy stuff from IKEA, this is one item you should never ever consider to buy. To illustrate my point, this is what you will be sleeping on. Of course it didn't come that way... but less than 1 year it broke off one by one. Hopefully you guys are wise enough not to buy this. Please...for your own safety. DON'T BUY IKEA BEDS!

Blade and blaze

2008-04-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

The clash of steel admist a wild battle,

Deep and loud the song resounds,

Many fall prey and let suffer the little,

And cries follow the sound of bombs that fall by the thousands.

To whom shall we owe this blade and blaze,

Why should heaven should let continue this carnage of craze,

Are the powers of good a fleeting vapor?

That the hellish nightmares of war they do not succor.

Lost in a blade and blaze of eternal torment,

Shall we see no more of good's amend?

Where shall the hope shine from?

If not from the cross where Jesus died on

Thought of the day.

2008-04-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

Buried in these hands a face of pain,

To whom is the prayer of solace made?

Are they not to you, Oh God of heaven

With a heart so burdened.

Sweet are the waters which You lead me by,

Gentle are the streams which You brought me to,

Green are the pastures which I lie upon,

As I seek Your face to revive my strength.

Let Your joy be my strength,

Oh Lord of heaven.

God's grace

2008-04-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

End of the semester.

2008-04-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

Man.....Time is flying so fast! It's already the end of the 5th semester at HELP. It's worrisome that time is just zipping past. Sometimes I really feel that I am not Carpe Dieming (seize the day) as much as I want to.

In another week it will be finals once again. I am really worried about how I would do. Dr. Ng discussed anchors in life with us today under the spirituality dimension of the multi-dimensional perspective. Anchors are actually items in life that are important to an individual. Something that you've bound yourself to e.g God, Friends, Yourself, Your parents.

I was dwelling on this thought for a little bit too much and I thought to myself. Is the reason why I am performing with mediocre results in my exams are due to the fact that there is so much pressure on me that I suddenly black out? I really wonder....A recent chat with Su Vian Helped me identiy that I need to address the issue of me panicking and acting out in exams. I noticed on several occassions that when I lose focus because of time constraints or excitement. I generally perform very very badly.

I guess it speaks also of my life in general. Do I really anchor myself to things that matter for life? Is life worth the things that I am investing it in? Truthfully, on a whole I would say that I've not anchored myself to things that matter. It's one thing to write here on a blog where you have no judgments, it's another to take action and force yourself to break of it. I do hope that God has heard this prayer of mine.

Flavor of the week

2008-04-04T03:34:00.000-07:00

How dreadful is this fatigue?
That man tire and not reap,
Why should life be this opaque,
That one should tarry but not reap.

The spirit to strive fades to nothing slowly,
As one continues to ponder the weight of life,
So heavy this burden to bear completely,
Upon the small shoulders of a servant of life.

Oh the eye of heaven shines not over this day,
For it's rays are blocked by clouds of hopelessness,
In the den I rest my heart without ray,
Asking when will the ray of hope reshine my bleakness

Bad omens?

2008-04-01T01:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having some weird a** dreams. I saw myself beat up pretty badly by someone whom I was particularly close to.

It's not your average battle. Imagine bruises on the eye and blood flowing from my mouth. The strange thing was I didn't fight back as if to take a sort of punishment. Though I sometimes doubt that something to this magnitude is impossible of happening, I've seen somethings that make me think otherwise. Makes me think whether I should continue in certain pursuits in life. Sometimes the price of screwing up is way too high and it's a price I am not really willing to pay. Uh.... Heck.....

To speak of the dread that I had to go through today is another bloody hell. Geez.....two things and I am already running on dry..... Wonder where's the resiliance I talk so much about sometimes.

Long day and one longer yet to come week.

Broken

2008-03-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

A broken and a contrite spirit, thou will not despise (Psalm 51:17).

What does it mean to be broken and contrite? To me coming to a place of brokenness is coming to a place of submission. It's a form of admittance that one is powerless. I think to be broken is a very humbling experience. Human beings pride themselves with the ability to be able to tackle problems and indeed we have come far. It is also sometimes in that ability that we lose ourselves and think that we are able to conquer all. Humility is important in a person's life but we rarely ever see it in this generation. A sense of security in ourselves seems to overpower God's ability in certain things sometimes.

To be contrite in spirit, as defined by the American Heritage Dictionary is to come to a place of regret and sorrow for one's sins. In Hebrew, contrite is the word Dakah which means to be crushed. Ever felt that way before? That you're crushed by the weight of your own infirmity. I haven't experienced myself this before. (Which probably signals that I still have alot of pride within me)

I am reminded of the quote that lays infront of Adventist Hospital in Penang. "God heals, we only help" I guess the owner really had that humility in mind.

Laying down things.

2008-03-18T05:07:00.001-07:00

Something precious to me broke this morning. I sort of see it as a symbol to lay down something important to me.

First things first, about the item that broke, well....not really a fan of symbology but when things like that happen you can't help but think. So a cup given by this girl I really liked once broke today morning when I was brushing my laptop. Accidentally knocked it over.

Why am I bringing this up? Because I guess I never really addressed the emotions of grief I felt when she started dating another guy. The detachment of emotions from scenes of life can sometimes be quite devastating. Emotions that are not addressed seem to find their way out through the crevices of one's heart and you start seeing it affect your daily life. (That doesn't give you the license to start a drama queen club.)

I think I've spent a big deal of my life hiding true emotions. This is at most times a good thing because emotions are impulsive and they often jump to conclusions. Now for the bad part, things left unsaid very often leave a scar. Ever shake a bottle of coke very rigourously and let it fly? That's the sort of feeling you get after awhile. Only in my case, the pressure mounts and is not released.

Sometimes how I deal with these emotions surprises me because I don't think I really ever address them. After awhile the pain just seems to fade. You don't really know whether it's gone or is it just being normalized in one's life. I think with every layer of pain and grief put on me I feel less and less human everytime. It's like a wall being build layer and layer. It's strange that you don't only block others out, you block yourself out too sometimes.

So I guess some food for thought for you guys. Maybe for some of you it's time to express some emotion in life and for some maybe a little less.

Life messages

2008-03-12T01:57:00.000-07:00

It's really interesting how sometimes we don't realize that our life is able to speak. I once remember this quote from someone who mentioned "what you're doing speaks so loud, I can't hear what you're saying." Like it or not, to some degree in life, our actions dictate our life messages to the people around us.

So what is it that's in a life? Many have different interpretations of what life holds and what life can be. For me however, living a life of meaning is important. Many would then ask what is it to live a life of meaning? I don't think there is an answer there because I am still in the process of discovering that meaning. Life's journey has no doubt left me with many thoughts and I sometimes wonder what does it mean to be alive?

I realize how paradoxical I am in this entry. I guess it just speaks even more of my confusion upon this matter.

The main point to illustrate however is the fact that a person's life is a message. Like a novelist who's writing a novel, everything you do would dictate how interesting and how vibrant the novel turns out to be. Not to disregard anyone's experience but what we do in life sometimes determines how interesting it is. (which speaks for myself as well.) I think for every novel however there is a core theme or value that we sometimes exuberate. For me personally, it is important to exuberate a helping heart.

Giving more of oneself

2008-03-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

I find it sometimes very hard to accept compliments but I really do enjoy them. I am really glad that I managed to say something that really encourage people sometimes and to know that God actually used you as an encouragement to someone. The feeling is just........euphoric.

My faith that words do sometimes encourage have waned throughout times because I sometimes think that I can't do much through words but God has showned me otherwise. I've always visualized a cellgroup in which everyone is filled with encouragements, support and sound advice. Our cell is far than ideal from that. I believe that to give more of themselves to the cell, the cell needs to be encouraged in doing so.

I see endless possibilities in all of them. I just wish that they'ld start believing in what God can do in them and with them. I hope that they see that.

Bleak view of love?

2008-03-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

I realized today how much of a cynic I have become. Some would say that approach of telling someone emotions won’t last is uncalled for. Sometimes showing too much of reality is something I think I am too good at. That’s me…..full of negativity. I guess sometimes it’s why people get blown off by conversations with me. Annoying but none the less true.

The question to pose now is why do people break up? For centuries men have sang of the greatness, divinity, strength, courage and so many other values associated with love and yet it is that same love that everyone grieves over and later explains it to be cold. “A love gone cold” they call it. What absurdity is that? That such power and such beauty could come to an end. Like a minor period of orgasm it was but now everything’s gone.

I don’t want to be a cynic but love just doesn’t seem to last. Maybe that’s why people nowadays are considering single parenthood. It’s easier to raise a child alone than to do it with someone else. It really sucks that we vest so much in a notion that sometimes doesn’t even last for a week. Ideals? In this world there seems to be no such thing as an ideal relationship where couples rough it out anymore. Seeing this age turn into one that lacks resilience and tolerance really makes me wonder where the concept of idealism has gone. There used to be couples who would tough it out no matter what. Now we break up over the car that your husband did not get.

I think people are exposed to so much negative role models that the idealism one used to find in youths are now gone. A society that used to reason in terms of ideals are now engraved in criticism, in sarcastic remarks. A need for ideals is now replaced by cynics who criticize and complain. We need to start asking ourselves this major question. Do we want the next generation to be one of a cynical nature that we’re now? Or should we at least strive to achieve an ideal that is possible even in the realm of love? The key word in the previous sentence was STRIVE. Are you resilient enough to tough it out? Or is the easy way out a better solution? Decisions, Decisions my friend.

Is the power to do good and evil equal?

2008-03-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

I always believed this statement to be true. We go on to analyse why.

Basically the underlying theory behind this question is the notion of choice. All power and choice is given to human beings. We're objects of the choices we make in life don't you think?

It is that limitless power that is given to people, that limitless power of choice that gives us the amount of problems and freedom we have today. See power....is a really strange thing. To have power, one needs to learn the responsibility to govern the power which is given to us. I guess one of the most legendary Marvel quotes of all time speak the best truth in this.

"With great power comes great responsibility" - Uncle Ben (From Spiderman)

Since the power of all choice is given to us, it is then dictated by man to rule these choices with a sound mind. I am reminded by what Jamie Tan once told me. "It really is a wonder whether human beings have evolved at all. Centuries ago there was homosexuality, lustful desire and so on and today we see the same things"

We have lived generations after generations reliving the same greed, the same lust, the same attitudes that human beings have faced since the beginning of time. Have we progressed? We also look at futile attempts of men to attempt to rectify these problems through law and order, through religion and through torture. So much so that people claim that they are performing justice when they violate the most basic principles of human nature.

I stand here not to condemn and say that men are wrong to attempt at measures of justice. I can suggest no better options besides God as well. The problem is human beings are so focused on trying to govern this power (the power of choice) that they themselves fail to see that they can't control and neglect God in the process of doing so. I think neglect is too gentle a word......maybe deny is more fitting.

My question to all of you is this. Are human beings truly capable of governing this power? Evidence wise I would say no and that we're doing a real poor job at it. Without God, things are impossible. I leave the below scripture with you.

Abide in me, and I will abide in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abides in the vine; no more can you, except you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He that abides in me, and I in him, the same brings forth much fruit: for without me you can do nothing" (John 15:4-5).

PS. We have done nothing. The same problems still exist today.