I believe in the concept of being perfected through suffering but the things I've had to endure for these past few days could easily pass for those of Hercules or any other greek myth that you've heard.
I get the feeling that God enjoys playing games with my life. He likes to see how I squirm and writhe in pain. I find little purpose in the trials I have to go through. They make me less strong, more vulnerable, and less in control. What kind of purpose could that serve?
The grief of facing a loved one in a psych hospital is really making me insane. I sometimes doubt my own sanity and find it hard to reconcile the fact that a benevolent and loving God could allow all these things to happen. What sort of madness is this? What allegiances have I not paid? Is it because of a lack of my loyalty, my service to His name, or is it a question of the piling of sins?
I wish I didn't need to endure this. I wish the weight of this cup of life would just pass from me. Why the darkness? Why involve those I love? Take my life as payment.....I don't care....my grief is beyond reproach.
Anger, frustration and bitterness fills my heart. What a betrayal....No assurances lie in the deep dark corners of this mortal life....No promises come to guard my heart and I stand alone in this darkness. If there be light, I see none of it. How great is Your love now, dear God? The weeping, the tears have once again draped the ground that you've claimed to defend. You're no tower to the weak, no refuge from the storm, no buckler in my time of need.
Instead, You lay hidden. Hiding Your face from me. Allowing me to torment, to rot, to writhe in deep darkness.
Such promises I need not dear God. A reality of You I wish to see. My allegiance falters.
Posts
