With 23 years of my life, I think I've experienced only a fraction of the things I should have and it makes me wonder, was I too cautious with my approach to life? Did I fear things that should have been experienced and savored? Paradoxically, I feel that my approach of caution has saved me many of the heart aches, the depressions and the sorrow that accompany brash and impulsive decisions. Due to religion and a background with Christianity, I find that I am still innocent to the ways of darkness but am slowly drawn towards its tantalizing snare. I cannot deny the part of me that is drawn to evil and its ways, its mysteries, its deep dark secrets. I know that the word of God asks us to be "Innocent to the ways of evil." (Romans 16:19) but yet I see those around me who aren't and yet tip-toeing between the lines of light and darkness. I am tempted by that lifestyle.
Options that I've chosen to take have ensured me that I've lived a life of purity till this moment. I find the struggles of maintaining that lifestyle ever more pressing, more demanding and more carnal. I don't understand why is it that I feel compelled to find a partner. Whether its my body telling me its time, or do I continue to wait for the timing of God? The choices are obvious but that doesn't make the decision any simpler.
I wonder what thoughts of purity should past through my mind in these dark moments. Sometimes the deep chill of loneliness and lack of love can lead a person to be so self-centered. I hope that this life of purity can gain its sustenance in God and that I continue to find strength to journey in it.
I will not deny that I've succumbed to passions of the flesh but thank God that through His grace its never with a physical person. The shame I bear in this area continues to be the cross I carry day to day. I wonder everyday why the Lord hasn't released me from this curse. I only hope that my future generations would never have to bear the weight of this curse and that it would end with my father's generation and mine.
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