Quarter Life Crisis

When did I come to this state of losing answers? At the beginning of this course of psychology in 2005, I had all the answers. I knew the state that which I was in, what I wished to attain, what I wished to gain from all this. I had my career path mapped out. Knowing who I wanted to be, who I was and what I was going to become.

Throughout the years in this program however, I've grown tired, demotivated, and worst of all, reached a state where all the answers I knew I was going to achieve, to attain, are all gone. Now its seems to me that nothing is for certain. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I don't know to what end all this is achieving. Where did all my surety in life went to? Its as if some vortex of doom sucked all of this away, leaving me utterly confused in the state I am in.

Why does it seem that my wisdom, my direction, my paths, all have left me? I no longer know these things. My guiding strength has left me. Is this the state of helplessness that God longs for in a person? That I would cast away all hope, all confidence, all surety in these things? I hate this "weakness" that dawns upon me everyday. Its as if its there to curse me and tell me that everything I do is vanity, its hopeless and its fading.

God!!!! Why is it that I have to see the world this way?! Why am I given such foresight? Such knowledge to understand the destitute and hopeless state we're in? And how much longer must I cry out to plead this state of destitution away? Is it part of a nightmare that I am in; that I must endure such treatment.

Where are You? Dear God......I really need You........

Reflections about 2009

One has to wonder at the start of the new year, what great things shall be achieved, what great dreams still lay dormant within the mystery of the future. There's a time though that one has to look back and realize what one has learnt and 2009 has been a year of many lessons and deep memories.

The lessons in time that this year has taught me were those of great pain due to the fact that I lost my grandmother this year. Indeed, it is never when a person is alive when they're truly cherished. Many artists like Monet and Picasso can attest to such a life and it was during her death that the beauty of my grandma shone the brightest as memories of her kindness and wisdom were once again remembered.

It was difficult to remember those days. Those days where she would cook for Chinese new year. That she would specially prepare herbal chickens for us who were weak in our bodies, her final advice she gave to me when I went to KL. My heart tears with grieve as I vaguely remember those times. God forgive me as those memories were so deeply important but not remembered.

2009 cast a deadly warning over my life; warning me to cherish the opportune moments that remain with my remaining grandfather. The tears of sorrow which graced the faces of my relatives still cast a shadow upon me until today and I wonder at times if I could have done more to lessen my grandmother's pain of chronic renal failure, diabetes, hypertension and myriads of other diseases I can't remember. I can only ask that God would show mercy upon her and that in her death that these sufferings which plague a human body would be forever lifted and that she would truly have found peace in a much better place.

2009 also reminded me of my own mortality and how fleeting and sudden death could come. With the protection of God and His mercy, our lives were spared on a night while sending a friend of mine to the airport. The reality of my mortality struck me that day. Sometimes I lay afraid, frightened by the fact that if I died now, would I truly be with God? Am I assured of your salvation, Dear God?

2009 is a great reminder of the importance of relationships and to cherish the time I have left. I wish these things would provide me a daily reminder to number my days and cherish the remaining time that's left.