The peril of choices

The option of a choice is sometimes the greatest peril one can ever obtain. Here I am standing over the midst of an abyss of whether to take a leap of faith for my career or for my family.

I could just tell myself to screw this and not give a damn about my mother. I am extremely pissed that I have my life dictated to me by the whims of a schizophrenic mother. I didn't ask for this life and I don't want to deal with this.

Here I am as well, impressing HODs and managers in my company who are giving me career advice about how to advance myself, and how being patient and building my reputation in this career would trail blaze the future that I have. I dream of success and the very things that I love are holding me back. This sort of dilemma is not for the average 23 year old to deal with. I wish those punks that live for I-phones and shit could have this life and see whether they survive this shit.

GOD!!!! I didn't ask for this...........I WANT to advance myself. I WANT a career and yet the needs of my family are pulling me back. And I am at this cross road......wondering if I should quit my job in to accommodate the needs of my defunct family. I really love the company that I currently work for..........and I am not sure what I would be trading myself for if I were to quit or transfer to another department. Here a path of possible enlightenment/ destruction that stands before me..........A path where "everything burns and everyone screams"(pardon the song reference by Ben Moody and Anastasia) or a path where Frodo manages to throw the ring into Mount Doom and everything is dandy again.

Mission Accomplished for this year.

I am glad that I finally got a job. This was one of the goals I had for this year and accomplishing it way ahead of schedule is really joyful for me. I guess the hardships faced in the previous months have been worth their while in a sense. It was really a difficult time for me.

I guess now however things will change. And the future seems a little brighter and sunnier. Really looking forward to working life and beginning the journey of a becoming a man. I've been reading a lot into John Eldridge's "Fathered by God" and found that I am in what he calls the warrior stage of life. In essence, the warrior stage of life is defined by hardship. His main premise is that God uses hardships of life in this stage to hone the qualities of being a man ie being relentlessness and unyielding in their efforts to strive for a better tomorrow. The key verse that he offers comes from Isaiah 50:7 which says "Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."

Just want to encourage those out there who have endured their fair share of hardships under cruel bosses and terrible work conditions. Use this valuable time to hone yourself. As it says in James "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." May God richly bless you in this time of trial.

It feels like a greek myth over here.

In Greek Mythos, its always such that a person has to endure much suffering, pain and trials before reaching a specific goal or destination in life.

I believe in the concept of being perfected through suffering but the things I've had to endure for these past few days could easily pass for those of Hercules or any other greek myth that you've heard.

I get the feeling that God enjoys playing games with my life. He likes to see how I squirm and writhe in pain. I find little purpose in the trials I have to go through. They make me less strong, more vulnerable, and less in control. What kind of purpose could that serve?

The grief of facing a loved one in a psych hospital is really making me insane. I sometimes doubt my own sanity and find it hard to reconcile the fact that a benevolent and loving God could allow all these things to happen. What sort of madness is this? What allegiances have I not paid? Is it because of a lack of my loyalty, my service to His name, or is it a question of the piling of sins?

I wish I didn't need to endure this. I wish the weight of this cup of life would just pass from me. Why the darkness? Why involve those I love? Take my life as payment.....I don't care....my grief is beyond reproach.

Anger, frustration and bitterness fills my heart. What a betrayal....No assurances lie in the deep dark corners of this mortal life....No promises come to guard my heart and I stand alone in this darkness. If there be light, I see none of it. How great is Your love now, dear God? The weeping, the tears have once again draped the ground that you've claimed to defend. You're no tower to the weak, no refuge from the storm, no buckler in my time of need.

Instead, You lay hidden. Hiding Your face from me. Allowing me to torment, to rot, to writhe in deep darkness.

Such promises I need not dear God. A reality of You I wish to see. My allegiance falters.

Trying everything or denying everything

Sometimes I feel a sense of remorse that I haven't tried much in life, haven't experienced it all, or haven't journeyed or risked pretty much anything. It sucks that I haven't experienced much in life. This really begs the question what have I done with it?

With 23 years of my life, I think I've experienced only a fraction of the things I should have and it makes me wonder, was I too cautious with my approach to life? Did I fear things that should have been experienced and savored? Paradoxically, I feel that my approach of caution has saved me many of the heart aches, the depressions and the sorrow that accompany brash and impulsive decisions. Due to religion and a background with Christianity, I find that I am still innocent to the ways of darkness but am slowly drawn towards its tantalizing snare. I cannot deny the part of me that is drawn to evil and its ways, its mysteries, its deep dark secrets. I know that the word of God asks us to be "Innocent to the ways of evil." (Romans 16:19) but yet I see those around me who aren't and yet tip-toeing between the lines of light and darkness. I am tempted by that lifestyle.

Options that I've chosen to take have ensured me that I've lived a life of purity till this moment. I find the struggles of maintaining that lifestyle ever more pressing, more demanding and more carnal. I don't understand why is it that I feel compelled to find a partner. Whether its my body telling me its time, or do I continue to wait for the timing of God? The choices are obvious but that doesn't make the decision any simpler.

I wonder what thoughts of purity should past through my mind in these dark moments. Sometimes the deep chill of loneliness and lack of love can lead a person to be so self-centered. I hope that this life of purity can gain its sustenance in God and that I continue to find strength to journey in it.

I will not deny that I've succumbed to passions of the flesh but thank God that through His grace its never with a physical person. The shame I bear in this area continues to be the cross I carry day to day. I wonder everyday why the Lord hasn't released me from this curse. I only hope that my future generations would never have to bear the weight of this curse and that it would end with my father's generation and mine.

My statement to fate

You cruel persona. How could you do such a thing? How could you lambaste innocents with your hand? What measure of evil have you wrought forth and cast this destitution of love upon God's institution

It is your cruel hand, your hand oh fate that you deny us the comfort, the genuine nature of love. Cast your rage upon me and not upon the innocents. It is not your choice to make. You have no right for the others around me to suffer. Let me be your enemy and not them. Let me drink your cup of malice, the bitter nature of your essence, which you cast forth upon them but let not the innocent bear your cup. For I am your enemy and I am their shield.

No nature of your darkness shall permeate their lives. I am your enemy. I stand against you. My body maybe broken but my soul will fight you. You shan't taint them. My wrath will undo your wickedness, my hope will raise your cover of darkness and I will not let your cruelty befall them.

Jackass moment.

Ever get the feeling you've just become a complete jackass and ignored the other person's feelings? Yeah that happened to yours truly today. Sometimes I surprise myself how insensitive I can truly be. Its one of those days.

(Note to self, stop talking when swimming) > This happened in a pool

Whoever wrote the theory on heuristics should be given an award because this clearly helped perpetuate the stereotype I cast on this particular person. Person in question (hence forth PIQ) was clearly a smart Alec scholar and gets A's in HELP like it takes the effort of drinking a glass of water. (that's what I think at least, I didn't really factor the difficulty the person goes through.) I made a very insensitive remark about how its easy for PIQ to get A's and how certain lecturers might have extremely high expectations on PIQ. PIQ was visibly pissed and thank god I didn't follow on that train of destruction and continue to talk about it.

Gotta thank Paul Ekman for saving my ass though. Through SETT(Subtle Emotion Training Tool), I managed to spot that PIQ was pissed at my comments about how certain lecturers expect the PIQ to do well. My saving grace was that I offered to help in PIQ's thesis. That demonstrated a lil bit of empathy on my part but still I kinda feel that I should have really guard my tongue.

Just wanna say sorry again if you (PIQ) ever read this.

Try defying gravity

I am so addicted to this song......I have no idea why hahahaha.

Moral compasses in life.

This is a tribute to those everyday normal people that I meet that have made a contribution into being a moral compass in my life.

Firstly let me thank ST (her initials):
She's one of those friends that really listen to me at times and is just really understanding. But first let me outline the scenario. I once jokingly said online that I wanted to just leave everything in M'sia behind and just go somewhere and travel, maybe father a few kids I don't know about. ST responded to my statement by saying :" Jon, if you ever do that, I'll never forgive you. You're one of the few guys who make me believe that there's still good guys around." Well, those are the kind of words you wish you heard more from church leadership. Knocks that crooked compass right back to north. Thanks for being a real pal,ST.

The uncle at the shop(shopkeeper):
This is one of the God is watching you scenarios and it happened today. I must admit I was feeling a lil down and decided to try an alcoholic beverage. I don't generally drink a lot but I felt I needed a "Subice" today. (Its one of those mixed with lemon juice and all. Pretty good if u don't wanna get wasted.) So there I was going up to the counter to pay and guess what the shopkeeper said to me. "I didn't know you drank drinks like this." That itself showed me that I was being watched. That individuals were just watching me and observing if I ever deviate from the path of righteousness.

Somehow, I felt God's hand in all these things. I just can't explain it but when God starts sending people in your face and pointing out certain things that you're doing, its just like a tight slap but like the God that He is, He'll never impose His will on you. You have to accept it willingly. Just some food for thought.

A heavy load off your shoulders?

It beckons forth the period where one is supposed to find solace. Where peace reigns and indeed that sickening feeling of a heavy load of assignments and strings of evaluations from lecturers are supposed to end.

Is this peace available for me? I truly wonder. For now I am filled with fear and even sorrow that I've not done enough for my own assignments. A feeling of insufficiency grips me and tears within me saying you've not done enough. Aye....the dread of such feelings are insurmountable indeed. No one truly shares this dread but I alone. My heart feels the tingling sensation of the white cold winds of the north as they slowly pierce deep within, centimeter by centimeter.

This dreadful feeling is deeply unpleasant and painful. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions are playing tricks with me and shaping this deep seated issues against me.

An Unwritten Letter

Your eyes have captured me and filled them with glee. Oh for a thousand tongues to sing the bliss bore within my heart is one that cannot to spoken of. That mild chocolate colored skin of yours which graces that ravishing figure would stop a man's heart dead in its tracks. How brown hair shines with a bright reflection makes me wonder what magic dwells within it.

Oh dear one, how I am fully captured by you, mesmerized by that sweet tone of voice, struck by your every gesture. How these hands long to bring you the comfort you desire. That they would indeed speak of my genuine heart, my longing to bring you happiness. Nay, it is not lust that I feel. No perverse nature of desire and passion but just a deep desire to understand, to know you as a person.

Oh dear one, shall I then again let this opportunity slip by? Let the emotions again fade once more that the illusions that they are? I am perplexed by these plethora of thoughts. Thoughts that whispers "she is the one","it is but your silly emotions", "you're weak because you've exposed yourself". They ensnare me, each pulling me towards their direction, convincing me that it is their way that is correct. What a relief it would be if I could share with you these thoughts.

Oh dear one, your requests for anything used to be my command. God as my witness, if I could, the stars would write your name and the moon would shine night and day only for you. Yet the anguish I feel when brought to awareness that you feel not the same, that I am merely a means to an end. It fills me and I wonder what have I done to merit your disapproval. That I stand not in line with those that you call "boyfriends" or "men". Many call on me and say to abandon this sinking ship, the pointless endeavor and yet I wonder to myself "Does not Love suffer long, is it not kind and envieth not? and that Love never fails?" Oh what spell of folly has been driven upon me that even when I am being so conveniently used that I see not. How I desire some word of wisdom that would sweep away this folly.

Light from Darkness

So far it seems that light has ever shone,

Its hard to remember a time that's now gone,

The shades of heaven have gone so dim,

So hard to see that bright sunny halo rim.

And there it was as if shooting through the clouds,

A ray that pierced through those cold and glumly clouds,

That brief glimmer was enough to light the darkness,

Rekindling all hope that was lost in sadness.

Quarter Life Crisis

When did I come to this state of losing answers? At the beginning of this course of psychology in 2005, I had all the answers. I knew the state that which I was in, what I wished to attain, what I wished to gain from all this. I had my career path mapped out. Knowing who I wanted to be, who I was and what I was going to become.

Throughout the years in this program however, I've grown tired, demotivated, and worst of all, reached a state where all the answers I knew I was going to achieve, to attain, are all gone. Now its seems to me that nothing is for certain. I don't know why I wake up in the morning. I don't know to what end all this is achieving. Where did all my surety in life went to? Its as if some vortex of doom sucked all of this away, leaving me utterly confused in the state I am in.

Why does it seem that my wisdom, my direction, my paths, all have left me? I no longer know these things. My guiding strength has left me. Is this the state of helplessness that God longs for in a person? That I would cast away all hope, all confidence, all surety in these things? I hate this "weakness" that dawns upon me everyday. Its as if its there to curse me and tell me that everything I do is vanity, its hopeless and its fading.

God!!!! Why is it that I have to see the world this way?! Why am I given such foresight? Such knowledge to understand the destitute and hopeless state we're in? And how much longer must I cry out to plead this state of destitution away? Is it part of a nightmare that I am in; that I must endure such treatment.

Where are You? Dear God......I really need You........

Reflections about 2009

One has to wonder at the start of the new year, what great things shall be achieved, what great dreams still lay dormant within the mystery of the future. There's a time though that one has to look back and realize what one has learnt and 2009 has been a year of many lessons and deep memories.

The lessons in time that this year has taught me were those of great pain due to the fact that I lost my grandmother this year. Indeed, it is never when a person is alive when they're truly cherished. Many artists like Monet and Picasso can attest to such a life and it was during her death that the beauty of my grandma shone the brightest as memories of her kindness and wisdom were once again remembered.

It was difficult to remember those days. Those days where she would cook for Chinese new year. That she would specially prepare herbal chickens for us who were weak in our bodies, her final advice she gave to me when I went to KL. My heart tears with grieve as I vaguely remember those times. God forgive me as those memories were so deeply important but not remembered.

2009 cast a deadly warning over my life; warning me to cherish the opportune moments that remain with my remaining grandfather. The tears of sorrow which graced the faces of my relatives still cast a shadow upon me until today and I wonder at times if I could have done more to lessen my grandmother's pain of chronic renal failure, diabetes, hypertension and myriads of other diseases I can't remember. I can only ask that God would show mercy upon her and that in her death that these sufferings which plague a human body would be forever lifted and that she would truly have found peace in a much better place.

2009 also reminded me of my own mortality and how fleeting and sudden death could come. With the protection of God and His mercy, our lives were spared on a night while sending a friend of mine to the airport. The reality of my mortality struck me that day. Sometimes I lay afraid, frightened by the fact that if I died now, would I truly be with God? Am I assured of your salvation, Dear God?

2009 is a great reminder of the importance of relationships and to cherish the time I have left. I wish these things would provide me a daily reminder to number my days and cherish the remaining time that's left.