25 random things about me.

1. I have a blue toothbrush

2. My favorite preacher is Paul Washer

3. I love fencing

4. I am strongly introverted

5. On my desk is a blue globe that I stroke everyday imagining what it feels like to be an evil dictator MUAHHAHAHAHAHA

6. I believe the best game ever created is Left 4 Dead.

7. I write poems

8. I am the second child in the family. (Adler says I am most successful)

9. My hometown is Kulim

10. I consider myself cultured well at least I am trying to be.

11. I join the GTPJ church

12. I love public speaking.

13.I am extremely cynical

14. I am analytical with my approach to discovery.

15. Being alone in my opinions sometimes makes me eccentric.

16. The lamest albeit best joke in the world is Joker's pencil trick in Dark Knight

17. Would you believe me if I told you I could operate a video camera and I sing on a monthly basis somewhere?

18. Jason enables my British and Texan accent. =P

19. I watch 8 serials now. Its amazing I know....They are Lie to me, House, Criminal minds, Burn Notice, Star Wars Clone Wars, Private Practice , Heroes, and Fringe.

20. And there are still people asking me to watch prison break some more!

21. I would like to head for Rome someday.

22. On my desk is the MERCK manual which I am damn proud of to have. (If you're from the medical community and you don't know what that is, shame on you!!!)

23. I think this year's askmen.com most desirable women is a fluke.

24. The best movie of all time to me is Amazing Grace.

25. I have a Freud lazy chair that people who come to my room enjoy sitting on.

This was something I found lying in my facebook page which I never posted. Somethings still apply. Haha I guess I haven't changed much.

The peril of choices

The option of a choice is sometimes the greatest peril one can ever obtain. Here I am standing over the midst of an abyss of whether to take a leap of faith for my career or for my family.

I could just tell myself to screw this and not give a damn about my mother. I am extremely pissed that I have my life dictated to me by the whims of a schizophrenic mother. I didn't ask for this life and I don't want to deal with this.

Here I am as well, impressing HODs and managers in my company who are giving me career advice about how to advance myself, and how being patient and building my reputation in this career would trail blaze the future that I have. I dream of success and the very things that I love are holding me back. This sort of dilemma is not for the average 23 year old to deal with. I wish those punks that live for I-phones and shit could have this life and see whether they survive this shit.

GOD!!!! I didn't ask for this...........I WANT to advance myself. I WANT a career and yet the needs of my family are pulling me back. And I am at this cross road......wondering if I should quit my job in to accommodate the needs of my defunct family. I really love the company that I currently work for..........and I am not sure what I would be trading myself for if I were to quit or transfer to another department. Here a path of possible enlightenment/ destruction that stands before me..........A path where "everything burns and everyone screams"(pardon the song reference by Ben Moody and Anastasia) or a path where Frodo manages to throw the ring into Mount Doom and everything is dandy again.

Mission Accomplished for this year.

I am glad that I finally got a job. This was one of the goals I had for this year and accomplishing it way ahead of schedule is really joyful for me. I guess the hardships faced in the previous months have been worth their while in a sense. It was really a difficult time for me.

I guess now however things will change. And the future seems a little brighter and sunnier. Really looking forward to working life and beginning the journey of a becoming a man. I've been reading a lot into John Eldridge's "Fathered by God" and found that I am in what he calls the warrior stage of life. In essence, the warrior stage of life is defined by hardship. His main premise is that God uses hardships of life in this stage to hone the qualities of being a man ie being relentlessness and unyielding in their efforts to strive for a better tomorrow. The key verse that he offers comes from Isaiah 50:7 which says "Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."

Just want to encourage those out there who have endured their fair share of hardships under cruel bosses and terrible work conditions. Use this valuable time to hone yourself. As it says in James "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." May God richly bless you in this time of trial.

It feels like a greek myth over here.

In Greek Mythos, its always such that a person has to endure much suffering, pain and trials before reaching a specific goal or destination in life.

I believe in the concept of being perfected through suffering but the things I've had to endure for these past few days could easily pass for those of Hercules or any other greek myth that you've heard.

I get the feeling that God enjoys playing games with my life. He likes to see how I squirm and writhe in pain. I find little purpose in the trials I have to go through. They make me less strong, more vulnerable, and less in control. What kind of purpose could that serve?

The grief of facing a loved one in a psych hospital is really making me insane. I sometimes doubt my own sanity and find it hard to reconcile the fact that a benevolent and loving God could allow all these things to happen. What sort of madness is this? What allegiances have I not paid? Is it because of a lack of my loyalty, my service to His name, or is it a question of the piling of sins?

I wish I didn't need to endure this. I wish the weight of this cup of life would just pass from me. Why the darkness? Why involve those I love? Take my life as payment.....I don't care....my grief is beyond reproach.

Anger, frustration and bitterness fills my heart. What a betrayal....No assurances lie in the deep dark corners of this mortal life....No promises come to guard my heart and I stand alone in this darkness. If there be light, I see none of it. How great is Your love now, dear God? The weeping, the tears have once again draped the ground that you've claimed to defend. You're no tower to the weak, no refuge from the storm, no buckler in my time of need.

Instead, You lay hidden. Hiding Your face from me. Allowing me to torment, to rot, to writhe in deep darkness.

Such promises I need not dear God. A reality of You I wish to see. My allegiance falters.

Trying everything or denying everything

Sometimes I feel a sense of remorse that I haven't tried much in life, haven't experienced it all, or haven't journeyed or risked pretty much anything. It sucks that I haven't experienced much in life. This really begs the question what have I done with it?

With 23 years of my life, I think I've experienced only a fraction of the things I should have and it makes me wonder, was I too cautious with my approach to life? Did I fear things that should have been experienced and savored? Paradoxically, I feel that my approach of caution has saved me many of the heart aches, the depressions and the sorrow that accompany brash and impulsive decisions. Due to religion and a background with Christianity, I find that I am still innocent to the ways of darkness but am slowly drawn towards its tantalizing snare. I cannot deny the part of me that is drawn to evil and its ways, its mysteries, its deep dark secrets. I know that the word of God asks us to be "Innocent to the ways of evil." (Romans 16:19) but yet I see those around me who aren't and yet tip-toeing between the lines of light and darkness. I am tempted by that lifestyle.

Options that I've chosen to take have ensured me that I've lived a life of purity till this moment. I find the struggles of maintaining that lifestyle ever more pressing, more demanding and more carnal. I don't understand why is it that I feel compelled to find a partner. Whether its my body telling me its time, or do I continue to wait for the timing of God? The choices are obvious but that doesn't make the decision any simpler.

I wonder what thoughts of purity should past through my mind in these dark moments. Sometimes the deep chill of loneliness and lack of love can lead a person to be so self-centered. I hope that this life of purity can gain its sustenance in God and that I continue to find strength to journey in it.

I will not deny that I've succumbed to passions of the flesh but thank God that through His grace its never with a physical person. The shame I bear in this area continues to be the cross I carry day to day. I wonder everyday why the Lord hasn't released me from this curse. I only hope that my future generations would never have to bear the weight of this curse and that it would end with my father's generation and mine.

My statement to fate

You cruel persona. How could you do such a thing? How could you lambaste innocents with your hand? What measure of evil have you wrought forth and cast this destitution of love upon God's institution

It is your cruel hand, your hand oh fate that you deny us the comfort, the genuine nature of love. Cast your rage upon me and not upon the innocents. It is not your choice to make. You have no right for the others around me to suffer. Let me be your enemy and not them. Let me drink your cup of malice, the bitter nature of your essence, which you cast forth upon them but let not the innocent bear your cup. For I am your enemy and I am their shield.

No nature of your darkness shall permeate their lives. I am your enemy. I stand against you. My body maybe broken but my soul will fight you. You shan't taint them. My wrath will undo your wickedness, my hope will raise your cover of darkness and I will not let your cruelty befall them.

Jackass moment.

Ever get the feeling you've just become a complete jackass and ignored the other person's feelings? Yeah that happened to yours truly today. Sometimes I surprise myself how insensitive I can truly be. Its one of those days.

(Note to self, stop talking when swimming) > This happened in a pool

Whoever wrote the theory on heuristics should be given an award because this clearly helped perpetuate the stereotype I cast on this particular person. Person in question (hence forth PIQ) was clearly a smart Alec scholar and gets A's in HELP like it takes the effort of drinking a glass of water. (that's what I think at least, I didn't really factor the difficulty the person goes through.) I made a very insensitive remark about how its easy for PIQ to get A's and how certain lecturers might have extremely high expectations on PIQ. PIQ was visibly pissed and thank god I didn't follow on that train of destruction and continue to talk about it.

Gotta thank Paul Ekman for saving my ass though. Through SETT(Subtle Emotion Training Tool), I managed to spot that PIQ was pissed at my comments about how certain lecturers expect the PIQ to do well. My saving grace was that I offered to help in PIQ's thesis. That demonstrated a lil bit of empathy on my part but still I kinda feel that I should have really guard my tongue.

Just wanna say sorry again if you (PIQ) ever read this.